


If you can't build a bridge I will scale your walls

by Redbay37



Category: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield - Fandom, Emmerdale
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety Attacks, Drug Use, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mild Sexual Content, Recovery, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 07:40:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 43,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26349484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redbay37/pseuds/Redbay37
Summary: Vanessa has gone to her mothers while completing her chemo. The separation takes its toll on them both. This work explores their emotions and their journey.Vanessa has returned to Emmerdale but things are not all as they seem...as you will discover as the chapters unfold.FIC HAS BEEN FINISHED YAAY!! 5 new chapters to feast on!!!!
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 32
Kudos: 125





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work and I'm hoping to add more chapters. I have an idea of where I want to go with this and would appreciate feedback to gauge interest and if its deemed an interesting read I will continue with it. Thank you.
> 
> Thank you to those who have left kudos and comments your feedback means so much and kept me going!
> 
> I hope you have all enjoyed reading and if so just let me know....  
> I have another fic brewing, it will be a continuation meaning all that has happened in this fic will stay but it will be a completely different story with references to this fic.
> 
> Bye for now!

Charity

She sits on the sofa cupping her milky brew eyes staring over the rim of the cup at nothing in particular. The house is empty, it always feels empty even when its full. The faint ticking of the clock signifies the passing of time but for her time does not pass quickly enough. She tips her head back and raises the cup to her mouth draining the dregs of her brew. She rises from the sofa and makes her way to the kitchen dropping the cup into the sink before gripping the edges of the worktop her knuckles white with tension. A choked sob escapes from her throat as her body fights to fold into foetal position she wills the cloak of hardness to consume her once again. She straightens her back as she pushes the emotions back down and successfully slams on the lid. Every fucking day she goes through this, every fucking day since Vanessa left.  
She scoffs as she thinks to herself ' absence makes the heart grown fonder'....all the absence had done was create a gulf that gets wider each day. Charity is scared that when the time comes she won't have the tools to build a bridge to cross it. She whispers into the silence 'Damn you Vanessa Woodfield for making me feel, for awakening want and need'...  
They'll talk on the phone later but she knows she leaves so much unsaid. Vanessa knows shes not a talker and the chemo has left her too weak to push her. She wonders if Vanessa senses the growing distance between them, she shakes her head and dismisses the thought. That is the least of Vanessas worries, she is the least of Vanessas worries....

Vanessa

She lays on the sofa her milky brew on the table beside her going cold. Too tired for the explosion of colour on the walls around her she lays with her eyes closed listening to the faint ticking of the clock that seems to lull her into semi sleep state.  
She worries about Charity, what she is doing, how she is coping. She knows she has her family around her but none of them really know Charity, not really, not like she does. Vanessa had despaired of their silly courts and codes that tether individuals to the past and dish out judgement instead of love and acceptance allowing a person to grow into wholeness and freedom, especially a person as damaged as Charity had been. Vanessa hopes that the years they've shared together will keep Charity strong that she will know her value and her worth and how loved she is. She knows that Charity is holding back, that she has retreated into herself, her insecurities tearing at her feeding her self doubt, dismantling the woman she has become and regressing her back to her 14 yr old self.  
Vanessa sighs as she recalls their journey so far, the mistakes Charity has made along the way, the progress and then the steps backward as she navigates life as only she knows how. Through Vanessas constant love Charity had learnt from each failure and had strived to become a better person, a better mother and a better lover and Vanessa had loved her all the more for it.  
Vanessa wonders if she done the right thing going to her mothers, shes hopes Charity will understand her reasons one day. For now she must fight this disease that invades her body.  
They will talk later on the phone but so much will be left unsaid. Vanessa knows Charity is not a talker and the chemo has made her too weak to push her. She senses the gulf between them that grows wider by the day. She knows Charity has rebuilt her walls and Vanessa worries they'll be too high for her to scale, scared that she won't let her back in to start taking them apart brick by brick again....


	2. Chapter 2

Charity leans at the end of the bar staring at the crossword puzzle in front her. The door swings open and Rhona enters the pub making her way to the bar where Charity is stood. "Orange juice please Charity" Charity turns and takes an orange juice from the cooler and places it on the bar along with a glass of ice. "How's Ness?" Rhona asked, "shes fine, shes finished her treatment but you already know that" replied Charity abruptly. She went back to staring at her crossword. Rhona's gaze lingered on Charity, she opened her mouth to speak again but hesitated not wanting to elicit a sharp retort from the blond who was obviously in no mood to talk. Rhona decided to pursue the matter "and how are you Charity?". Charity couldn't bear the sympathetic tone it made her want to balk people pretending that they care when all they are is nosey, scratching around in other peoples lives because their own is so empty. "Fine" is her short response. "It will be great to have Ness back soon" Rhona continues, trying but failing to engage Charity in conversation. Rhona would rather take her orange and go sit in a booth to study the lunch menu but she had promised Vanessa that she would look out for Charity. Rhona hadn't been keen on Vanessa's relationship with Charity in the beginning but over time she saw how happy her best friend was and how good they were for each other. Rhona if she was truly honest had later felt pangs of jealousy as she watched them together longing for someone to look at her the way Charity and Vanessa look at each other. Rhona decides not to pursue the conversation any further. She looks up and catches Chas's eye. Chas raises her eyebrows and gives Rhona a look that says 'shes a prickly one today'. Rhona gives a curt nod in response and a smile that doesn't reach her eyes, she turns and makes her way to a booth thankful that her interaction with Charity was over. She had tried and thats all she could do.

Chas wanders over to Charity who doesn't look up from her crossword.  
" Whats up with your gob today?" Chas asks. Charity gives an irritated scoff and mumbles "headache"  
"You seem to be having quite a few of them lately" Chas responds with a questioning look.  
"Yeah well not surprising is it when I've got people yaking down my earhole all day". Charity disappears into the back room to look for painkillers. She returns complaining "why are there never any bloody paracetamol in the meds box?"  
"Well Charity thats because someone uses them and doesn't replace them" Chas said in an accusing tone. Charity ignored the comment.

"Babe do you mind if I go now?" She pleaded " I'll stop at the shop and pick some up. I need to shift this headache before I collect the boys. You how noisey and excited they get when we are going to see Ness"  
"Go on then and don't forget when Vanessa comes home you owe me extra shifts big time".   
"Yeah yeah" said Charity waving her her arms about.  
Chas softens "Any word on when shes coming home love?"  
" 4 weeks, she should be over the fatigue although it will be a lot longer until shes over the affects completely".  
"Well you tell her hello from me love and tell her we're all looking forward to having her back and it will be good to see a smile on your face an' all"

Vanessa closed her eyes and inhaled the lavender bath scents. Her strength was slowly returning, she enjoyed the feel of the warm water enveloping her in a sense of calm. She was looking forward to seeing her boys and breathing in the smell of their skin when she holds them close. She was desperate to see Charity again and feel her body press against hers, to feel her arms around her, to hear her breathe into her ear as she whispers her name. She wanted nothing more than to look deep into those green eyes searching for truth that she really is ok. The recent phone calls had left Vanessa concerned and she needed to know her fiance was coping. There was something not quite right and it sat uneasy with her, she knew Charity was holding back but didn't understand why. Talking on the phone and video calling was great to have that contact but she needed more, she needed to see her face to face to see if her concerns were justified or simply a result of her over protectiveness of Charitys vulnerability that only she knew the extent of.  
Vanessa decided to think on the positives, her family were coming to visit and she was determined to savour every moment.

Noah dug the toe of his footy boot into the turf, he was in no rush to get changed and go back to the pub where he was going for his tea. He wanted so much to visit Ness but couldn't bring himself go. He was scared she would see in his eyes the lies when she asked him how he was. His shoulders sagged like the weight of the world rested on him. Ness would be home soon and things would get better, things would go back to the way they used to be. He had hated his mums relationship with Vanessa in the beginning, he went out of his way to make things bloody difficult for them. He only wanted to protect his mum, himself and Moses. He had grown tired of the jibes at school about his mum being a slapper and when news got round she was now with a woman the comments just got worse. Noah had hated Vanessa or at least he thought he did but somehow it had all changed. Vanessa's constant presence provided a stability he hadn't known before. She had supported his mum and him through the most difficult times and had promised she was going nowhere, she had kept her word until she got sick. Noah knew she was fighting a battle in her body but why couldn't she have fought it at home with her family. It scared him that she had gone even though she had assured him it was temporary. He only hoped that when she came home she would keep to her word if she ever found out the truth of these past months. Thats why he couldn't bring himself to visit he didn't trust himself not to give anything away. It was better to wait until she was home and things would be the way they used to be and he need never tell. He would be ok then because everything was ok when Ness was around. He loved his mum and protected her fiercely but when it came to parental guidance he looked to Ness and even though he never said it he called her mum in his heart. He desperately didn't want to be the one to disappoint her, frighten her away and he couldn't be the reason for her leaving for good.


	3. Chapter 3

Charity entered Jacobs Fold a little harrassed, Moses was being his usual busy self charging around curious as ever at the world around him. Johnny stuck close to Charitys side gazing up at her face eager to listen and please. How different their little personalities were but how well they complimented each other. They would play for hours Johnny happy to take instruction from his mischeivious brother who often tried to blame Johnny when mishaps occurred. Johnny always seemed happy to take the rap but Charity and Vanessa had them well decked and quickly got to the bottom of things as Johnny just like his mother found it impossible to lie when asked a question. Moses on the other hand was very partial to wild stories and a reliance on his cheeky grin to get him off the hook.  
"Come on boys we don't want to be late for mummy Ness".   
All three of them climbed the stairs and entered the boys bedroom.  
"Quick change of clothes boys"  
Charity left the boys to undress as best they could before needing help encouraging their independance she called it and went out onto the landing. She scrolled through her phone and dialled.  
"Noah we're leaving shortly are you sure you won't change your mind. Ness would love to see you"  
Charity sighed as Noah declined.   
"Ok well Chas is expecting you so go straight to the pub for tea and don't be up all night playing video games. I'll see you tomorrow."  
"Tonight? I thought you were staying at the Wooly?"  
"Okay I'll message when I'm in Hotten and pick you up, don't forget to tell Chas you won't be staying".

Finally she got boys washed and changed into fresh clothes and out to the car. Charity fastened them into their booster seats and locked up Jacobs Fold.  
She climbed into the drivers seat and exhaled slowly. Visiting Ness should be a happy and exciting occassion and yet Charity felt anxious. She knew Vanessa would ask about Noah and Charity hoped she could answer casually without raising any concern. Vanessa wasn't easily fooled and seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to Charity. Things had been strained lately with Noah and Charity wanted to sort things with him before Ness came back.   
Charity started the car glancing in the rear view to check the boys were ok before moving off.  
"Right boys off to see mummy Ness!" A chorus of yays from the three of them filled the car as they headed out of Emmerdale.


	4. Chapter 4

Vanessa was waiting, watching at the window eager to see the car come into view. Her heart was racing, she was so excited to be spending time with her famliy. Her treatment was complete and each day she felt stronger. Soon she would be back where she belonged in Jacobs Fold with her family. The thought brought such relief after all they had been through these past few years.   
Vanessa jumped up as she saw the car come into view, she raced to the front door and was already out of the gate before Charity had parked the car. Charity got out, Vanessa flung herself into Charitys arms then cupped her face with her hands and kissed her.  
"Steady on Ness your mum might be watching"  
"She's out but I'm sure the neighbours will fill her in.....I've missed you sooooooo much"  
"I've missed you too babe...every moment of every day".  
Vanessa looked behind Charity "where's Noah?"  
"He has footy practice some important match coming up" disappointment flashed across her face but was quickly gone as she focussed on the boys in their booster seats.  
"My boys..I've missed you! Lets get you out"  
The boys were squealing with delight seeing Ness, Johnny gazing adoringly with his arms outstretched and Moses waving his new dinosaur excited to show Ness and making roaring sounds. With both boys unfastened they helped them out of the car as Vanessa knelt down and embraced both of them. She savoured the smell of them inhaling deeply squeezing them tight. Both boys giggled and started babbling at the same time eager to tell her stories about their simple little world full of play and imaginary tales. If only life could stay as simple as it is for a small child she thought before quickly gathering her thoughts and rising to lead the boys by hand into the house.  
She turned and looked at Charity "where's your bags?"  
"We won't stay I'll just drive back late"  
"Awww why?" Vanessa looked so disappointed Charity felt a pang in her heart.  
"Ness I can't bear sleeping in that single bed knowing you're in the next room with the boys"  
Vanessa bit on her bottom lip teasingly "Mums out for the night, as long as we make the single bed look slept in you can sneak in with me"  
"What about the boys?"  
"We could bring the single mattress in the room. I just want to spoon you all night and wake up next to you"  
"Well we won't be doing much else with these pair with us" Charity laughed.  
"Yes but there's time for us when we put them to bed" Vanessa said in husky voice raising an eyebrow.  
"Hmm sounds fun. Even satisfying having sex all over your mums living room hahaha"  
"Charity you're so bad" As they entered the house Charity kept on complaining.  
"Well who makes their daughters fiance sleep in a separate bed!. She might not like me or like our relationship but she can't keep us apart! She went out to avoid me didn't she? She should be grateful you came to look after her, no doubt her ulterior motive was to separate us and hope you would leave me for good"  
"Charity don't spoil it I don't want to talk about her" Vanessa placed a finger on Charitys lips.  
"Well has she tried to set you up with any blokes?"  
"Charity please don't I've had enough arguments with her I don't want one with you"  
"Sorry babes it just upsets me"  
"I know me too but it will be over soon and I'll be home in a few weeks. I've told her so she's prepared and as for her not liking you she doesn't even ask me about Johnny! It hurts me but thats just her".  
"And yet you still came for her. You're such a good person Ness she doesn't deserve you but then neither do I babe so I guess we're even on that "  
"And I don't deserve you Charity, you've allowed me to be here when she has needed me even though you don't think she deserves it. You are a good person Charity and stop saying otherwise" Vanessa plants a kiss on the tip of her nose and headed to the kitchen to make a brew. Charity watched her go and swallowed hard at the lump in her throat. She felt the nausea of anxiety in the pit of her stomach. Thankfully Ness's excitement had seemed to overide her sixth sense.  
Charity took out her phone and text Noah she didn't want to call him as she knew Vanessa would want to talk and she just couldn't face a barrage of questions right now. Charity put her phone away, sighed deeply and distracted herself joining in with the boys play.  
"That was a big sigh, what's up?"  
"Nothing just wishing you were coming home with me babe" Vanessa reached over the back of the sofa and put her arms around Charity kissing her on her head, she knew Charity was holding back but she let it pass for now not wanting to disturb the boys precious time with both of them together as a family.


	5. Chapter 5

"Tea's ready" vanessa shouted, she had cooked her famous lasagne as requested by the boys. They sat at the table and enjoyed a family meal the conversation flowing freely. Moses and Johnny bringing Ness up to speed on Paw Patrol latest which incidentally they had chosen to watch after their food. Charity joined in enthusiactically having seen almost every episode these past months impressing Vanessa with her knowledge.  
After tea the boys sat watching Paw Patrol as Charity and Vanessa busied themselves in the kitchen clearing dishes away and making sure everything was left clean so Vanessas mother had nothing to complain about.  
"So Noah has footy practice"   
"Yeah some important match coming up"  
"He hasn't been answering my calls...is everything ok?" Ness enquired.  
Shit....thought Charity, she thought she'd gotten away with being questioned about Noah.  
"Yeah he's just struggling a bit with school, usual teenage boy stuff"  
"How do you mean struggling?"  
"His grades have dropped slightly, he's not talking to me much so don't be offended Ness its probably his hormones"  
"He hasn't got some girl pregnant has he?"  
"What! No chance he never goes anywhere. I don't think he's even interested in girls"  
"You think he's gay?"  
"No...he just doesn't seem to be interested in anyone. He'll be fine Ness its just a teenage stage".  
"It's worrying that his grades are dropping. He answers my texts but doesn't answer his phone and then today he doesn't come to see me. Feels like he's avoiding me, has he said anything?"  
"Like I said Ness he doesn't say much at all even to me. It's a stage, it will pass. I'll try and speak to him again".  
"And you're alright?" Ness enquired as she walked over to Charity and put her arms around her neck planting a kiss on her mouth.  
"Of course babe, you know me, always ok. I'll be even better when you're back home". Returning the kiss Charity circled her arms around Vanessa's waist resting on her back and squeezing her tight. They stood awhile their bodies pressed together the familiar feelings of arousal coarsing through their bodies. Their breathing becoming shallow.....  
"Mummy watch Paw Patrol" Johnny says as he wandered into the kitchen and slipping his small hands into theirs.  
Both Charity and Vanessa laughed although clearly frustrated and followed Johnny into the living room.  
Cuddled up on the sofa with the boys Vanessa was so contented. Charity pulled out her phone to check for any messages from Noah.  
"I need to charge my phone. I think I've left my charger in the car. I'll be 2 mins" Charity scooted out the front door to the car. She unlocked the car and searched around in the glove box finding what she was looking for. She took out a Lambert and lit it making sure she was hidden by the bush. She inhaled deeply feeling some tension leave her. She took a few drags more and threw the cigrette on the roadside, sprayed perfume and popped a chewing gum in her mouth. Charity walked back up the path and into the house heading straight upstairs to the toilet. She carefully passed Ness at a distance not wanting to waft any smoke smell from her clothes. She washed her hands, smeared toothpaste on her gums and sat on the toilet with the lid down hoping all traces of smoke would go before going back down to Ness.  
"Right boys time for bed, lets go..what story shall we read?"  
The boys jumped up Moses tumbling on the sofa and squealing. Always full of energy is Moses, Johnny followed but at a slower pace.  
"Mummy Charity monster story raaaaaaah" shouted Moses.  
"Monster story?" Vanessa looked round at Charity "monster stories at bedtime?" she looked horrified. Charity looked sheepish..."I told them it lived under the bed so they wouldn't get up in the night".  
Vanessa was mortified...  
"Chill babe...its actually a friendly monster that's lonely until 2 little boys Johnny and Moses found him and became friends"  
"Awww thats so nice" cooed Vanessa her hand instinctively touching her heart.  
"Oh give over soppy"  
The four of them climbed the stairs, the single mattress was laid out for the boys and it wasn't long before their eyes closed after the excitement of the day.

"Come on Ness lets crack open the wine and have some me and you time"  
"You're eager!"  
"It's been too long Ness" Charity chased her down the stairs catching her at the bottom and devoured her neck with kisses and playful bites. They stood in each others arms "I've missed you so much" Charitys eyes were glassy with tears.  
"Hey you"re here now and I'll be home in four weeks, we've come this far" Ness's softly spoken words caused Charity's heart to flutter.  
"Come 'ere" she said pulling Vanessa closer and holding their embrace. "I don't want to let go of you, I want to hold you forever".  
The sense of unease returned to vanessa..she just couldn't figure it but she felt something wasn't quite right.  
"You sure you're ok Charity? Never say you're ok when you're not I"ve said that to you before and I mean it babe".  
Shit...its like Vanessa can see right through her!  
"I'm fine....just missing you" she searched for Vanessa's lips with hers finding them and going deeper as Ness responded. Vanessa slid her hands under Charitys top desperate to feel her smooth skin. Their breaths becoming heavier as they made their way to the sofa not breaking their kiss. Vanessa pushed Charity down gently and straddled her covering her mouth with hers again. She pulled back slightly and breathed into Charitys ear "I want to feel skin on skin" Charity nodded and slowly pulled Vanessa's jumper up over her back and head discarding it on the floor their movements becoming more desperate with each discarded garment....  
"I've missed you so much Ness" Charity breathed in her ear as they made love together physically and emotionally entwined...  
They lay for sometime, naked bodies, skin touching skin in beautiful intimacy. Vanessa's eyes closed completely relaxed laying on Charity's chest. Charity lay still stroking Vanessa's hair her eyes wide open as feelings of anxiety starting to seep through her post coital bliss....


	6. Chapter 6

Vanessa stirred hearing the light snores of her lover and feeling her warm breath on her neck. She smiled to herself remembering her family were with her in the very room. She could feel the warmth of Charitys body, her arm draped over Vanessas waist. Then she remembered they were going home today and her heart sunk, she wished she was making that journey with her family back to the Dales, back to normality and their life as it was before. Still, she thought at least she will be making that journey in 4 weeks and her spirit was lightened. She wriggled closer into Charitys body and Charity responded squeezing her tight pulling Vanessa into her.  
"Morning babes" Charity breathed sleepily "its too early yet, even the boys are still sleeping"  
"Mummy" Johnny mumured sitting up and rubbing his eyes.  
"Yes sweetheart, mummys here" Vanessa cooed to Johnny.  
Johnny stood up his eyes searching for Charity, he found her and wandered over climbing in beside her. Vanessa felt a strange sensation in her stomach that she couldn't identify before hurt took over with a hint of resentment then guilt. Charity scooted Johnny across her so that he was inbetween them, she reached over and pulled Vanessa close so the three of them were cuddled together. She knew Vanessa would feel the sting of Johnny seeking Charity for comfort before her. What could she expect Charity had been the constant in his life these past months but it would still hurt like hell.  
They lay there talking about everything and nothing, cuddling and easing into the day. Once Charity was confident Johnny had settled with Vanessa she got up to make a brew and juice for the boys. Johnny was sleeping again when she returned to the bedroom. Charity stood in the doorway and watched Vanessa with Johnny in her arms eyes glassy with emotion. Vanessa looked up and Charity smiled, she entered the room and placed Vanessas mug beside her before going to the other side of the bed and doing the same with hers.  
Vanessas eyes met Charitys again as she whispered "thank you" it wasn't just a thank you for the brew but for Charitys sensitivity in handling the Johnny situation earlier. She had been the one he looked for and yet she had graciously shared the moment with Vanessa and then extracted herself once he settled to give him and Vanessa space to bond again. God she loved Charity, it was moments like these that no one else ever got to see, the side of Charity that is revealed for only her. Sometimes Vanessa wished the world could see this side of Charity, so thoughtful, so supportive and so loving.  
"What time are you setting off?"  
"Early babes, I'm at the pub this evening and need to rest before shift, Trace will stay with the boys until they sleep then Noah will watch them until I'm home".  
"I worry you're doing too much Charity"  
"I'm fine babe"  
Vanessa kissed her and watched as Charity started to pack. 4 weeks seemed like forever to her in this moment.  
"We'll be back in 2 weeks babe, it'll fly by, you'll be back at Jacobs fold before you know it buying lattes at Brendas and sticking your hand up cows bums and massaging their teats to ease their mastitis...see I do listen to you babes"  
"Well how about I practice massaging on this cow right here" giggled Vanessa tweaking Charitys nipples playfully.  
"Cheeky mare, anyway I wish..can't get much action in with these two rugrats. Last night was amazing though babes..."  
"M hmm it was" said Vanessa raising her eyebrows "Although I think mum would throw me out if she knew what we got up to on her sofa"  
Charity laughed out loud "hmm maybe I should tell her then"  
"Don't you dare" said Vanessa mortified.  
A few hours later they said their goodbyes Charity promising to call as soon as they arrived at Jacobs fold.  
Vanesssa watched as the car left her sight, she went back inside and cried.

4 Weeks Later...

Finally today was the day. Charity was up early breezing around the kitchen excited at the thought that Vanessa would be back home for good today. She had cleaned thoroughly yesterday and enlisted the help of Tracey who was ecstatic that Vanessa was  
Finally coming home.  
Charity took out her phone and scrolled to Vanessas number.  
"Morning babes, what time you leaving?"  
"Well babes you know me...waste no time, I'm midway at the services having a bit of breakfast".  
"You left already!" Charity exclaimed  
"Of course..I've been away too long. See you soon babes, I can't wait. Are the boys awake?"  
"They will be"  
Charity felt the too familiar feeling of anxiety in the pit of her stomach. She was so glad Ness was finally coming home, this was the day they had hoped and longed for but so much had gone on while Vanessa had been away. Charity pushed her fears to the back of her mind, she made a brew and stepped outside in the crisp air and lit up a smoke. She'll have to knock the smoking on the head again, Vanessa would certainly have something to say about it if she finds out. 

Charity got herself showered and ready, Johnny had woken by the time she finished but was happily playing in the room. Moses was still sleeping like a starfish always harder to get him up in the mornings.  
"Moses wake up mummy Ness is coming home today!". She called Noah and went downstairs to make breakfast.  
Charity stood in the kitchen staring at nothing, she felt a movement behind her, she jumped.  
"You want me to get the breakfast ready? Noahs voice was deadpan.  
"No, I'll do it now"  
"Are things going to be different now she's back?"  
"What?"  
"It don't matter"  
"Noah please" Charity moved toward him but he dodged her.  
"I'll go get Moses n Johnny"  
Charity swallowed she felt a lump in her throat and the anxiety in the pit of her stomach again. She busied herself setting breakfast mentally kicking herself that the air had not been cleared with Noah. Ness was back today and things would be different, Charity smiled in relief, yes this was the day she had longed for the cancer was in remission and Ness would be home.  
After breakfast she dressed the boys, just as she finished brushing their teeth she heard the front door open.  
"Hello" came a familiar voice. The boys squealed in excitement. Charity heard Noah greet Vanessa, she walked down the stairs with the boys just in time to see Noah and Vanessa embrace in a hug.   
"Hey honey I'm home" Vanessa teased, the boys ran toward her and almost jumped into her arms. Charity stood watching her so many emotions flooding through her. Vanessa moved toward her, their lips met and they embraced.  
"Eurgh get a room" moaned Noah.  
"See nothings changed" said Charity. Noah looked at her sideways and made his excuses to leave.  
"Brew babes?"  
"Its so good to be back mmm" Vanessa snuggled into Charitys embrace. She broke away and looked around the house "yeah, its so good to be back".


	7. Chapter 7

"Babes where"s my make up bag I'm running late" Charity was flapping around stressed.  
"In the bathroom cupboard, you left it out last night so I put it away"  
Charity stuck out her bottom jaw her eyes wide she was enjoying being nagged about being untidy again but not this morning. She was due at a brewery conference which was a whole day seminar, the taxi was due in 30 mins and she was running late.  
"What time will you be home?"  
"Not sure babes but you know these things they don't half drag on"  
"I have a few consultations today so I'll ask Tracey if she can collect the boys if it runs on, if not I'll close up early and Rhona can deal with emergencies as shes on call".  
"Wow its like you've never been away babe"  
"I know 2 weeks home already"  
"Its just so good to have you back"  
"Yeah its great to be back living life again!"  
The taxi beeped outside Charity kissed Vanessa "later babes"  
"Have a good day!"

Vanessa had finished her consultations for the day, she was about to catch up on some paperwork when her phone rang.  
"Ms Woodfield?"  
"Speaking"  
"This is Mr Hollen Headmaster at Noahs school. I'm sorry to call but there's been a serious incident. Noah is fine but we do need you to come to the school as soon as you can. I"ve tried calling Ms Dingle but it seems her phone cannot be reached".  
"Yeah she's at a conference sorry. You say Noah's ok?"  
"Yes but we do need to discuss the matter and for you to collect Noah from the school".  
"Right..er ok I'll be there shortly"  
Vanessa's stomach turned, he had said Noah was ok but what could be so urgent that he needs her to collect him and discuss the matter. She was confused and anxious as to what was going on. Vanessa knew Noah hadn't been himself for sometime, he seemed to be withdrawn and avoided being in her company although he had said he was glad she was home. Maybe now some light would be shed on his behaviour.  
She locked up the surgery and went to her car, she didn't need to go home and decided to drive straight to the school. She called Tracey and asked her if she would collect the boys and have them until she got back making some excuse about a call out to one of the farms. Vanessa was discreet she didn't want anyone to gossip about Noah especially as she didn't even know what was going on herself, no she would keep it in their family and address it with Noah and Charity.

Vanessa arrived at the school and made her way to the headmasters office. She saw Noah sitting with his head in his hands, she greeted him, sat down next to him and assured him things would be ok, whatever it was they will work it out. Noah didn't look up or acknowledge her presence it was as if he had shut down and had transported his mind elsewhere.  
Mr Hollen came out of his office "ah Ms Woodfield do come in, if we could have a word first then Noah can join us".  
"Yeah, sure"  
She squeezed Noahs knee got up and followed Mr Hollen her heart pounding.  
"Thank you for coming so quickly, I'm afraid it is a serious matter and one that needs addressing asap"  
"What's happened?"  
"I'm afraid Noah was found with alcohol in his school bag. It appears most of it had been consumed. He was in class when his bag dropped on the floor and a half bottle of vodka fell out which his teacher reported immediately. Some of his classmates said he regulary has vodka in his bag, when questioned he has chosen to remain silent. I'm hoping that you coming here and talking to him we can get to the bottom of things and get him the help he needs. There has been a marked deterioration in his grades over the past months, teachers reporting hum falling asleep in class and of course this could explain why"  
Vanessa just sat and listened. She felt guilt wash over her for not being there for Noah for leaving when she had always promised she was going nowhere.  
"We can refer Noah to specialist services but he has to want this for himself....Ms Woodfield?" Mr Hollen saying her name snapped her out of her thoughts.  
"Er...yeah yeah"  
"Should we get Noah in and see if he will talk to us now that you're here"  
"Er...yeah"  
Vanessa's head was spinning, she had to be strong for Noah he needed her.


	8. Chapter 8

Noah walked into the office his head hung down and his shoulders sagging. He didn't look up, he sat on the chair next to Vanessa. She squeezed his knee again reassuringly. In truth he was glad it was Ness who had come as fuck knows what reaction his mother would have had.  
Vanessa spoke softly " Noah love can you tell us what's been going on?"  
Noah remained silent.  
Mr Hollen explained the seriousness of the matter again. Noah couldn't bear to listen to him saying the same thing over again, he chose to say nothing and zoned out.  
Vanessa tried again "Noah we need you to speak to us so we know how we can help you. I mean...how long has this been going on? We just want to help you, nobody is angry just concerned for you".  
Mr Hollen cleared his throat " Noah you have to speak to someone. This is a serious matter and unfortunately I have no option but to suspend you until we can get to the bottom of what is going on. I'm not doing this to punish you but to give you time out to discuss things further and to get the right help for you. We have school counselors and also substance misuse specialist agencies for young people who can help. As a school we can support you but we need you to work with us addressing this"  
Noah still didn't respond, he didn't move or acknowledge anything or anyone.  
"Maybe I best take him home and we can discuss things as a family. We will keep you informed. Thanks Mr Hollen I'll take it from here"  
"Of course" he turned again to Noah "Noah you have our support, don't be afraid to admit you need help we are here for you"  
Vanessa shook Mr Hollens hand and left, Noah follwed still with his head low not making eye contact with anyone.

As they entered Jacobs fold Noah dropped his bag and went to go upstairs.  
"Oh no young man...we need to talk. Your mum will be home later and you're going to have to help me because she's going to go ballistic and I need something to try and soften the blow . So sit down and start talking.  
Noah had his hands in his pockets, he stared at the floor and said quietly "it weren't mine"  
"Ok so whose was it?"  
"I can't say"  
"Noah you can't not say! Apparently this was not the only time so who is getting you to keep their alcohol and letting you take the rap? I think you're smarter than that"  
Noah stayed silent. Vanessa could feel his walls his ability to shut down was so like his mothers and Vanessa knew she wouldn't be able to penetrate them. She decided to give him space in the hopes he would come to her just like Charity does in the end.  
"Noah I'm not going to push it, I'm here if you want to talk but I have to tell your mum when she gets home".  
Noah suddenly came alive and pleaded with her "don't say nothing to mum please Ness you can't tell her".  
"Noah I can't keep this from her, she would go mental plus we don't keep things from each other honesty is best"  
"Ness you can't tell her" Noah broke down in huge sobs and once the flood gates opened the sheer force of his pain shocked Vanessa.  
She went to him and threw her arms around him and he cried like a little boy on her shoulder.  
"Noah we can get through this, your mum and me will support you, its ok....its ok" she soothed him with a mothers concern as he cried "Ness you can't tell mum please" he begged over and over.  
Vanessa would not give in "Noah I cannot keep this from charity I just can't"  
"It weren't mine Ness it weren't mine"  
"Noah you have to tell me more....who gave it to you?"  
Noah was taking big gasps of air when his voice finally broke "mums it were mums, please don't leave us...she's ok now we will be ok now"  
Vanessa was reeling from shock..."what? Your your mums?" She stammered.  
"You're not going to leave us are you? It will be my fault I didn't want to say. She won't do it anymore now you're back. If I hadn't been caught in school you wouldn't have found out and she's ok now".  
"Why would I leave? Noah this is not your fault...don't ever think it is but I need you to tell me everything. I need you to tell me before your mum gets home and we can deal with this ok"  
Noah nodded he was relieved in some way that Ness knew and he didn't have to carry this secret alone anymore. Things had been strained between him and his mum but they hadn't spoken about it. Noah had cleaned up after her, put her to bed some nights and sorted the boys out with breakfast and made sure they got to school but Charity had said nothing. He didn't know if she even remembered the half of it or if she was just ashamed. He had been tired, tired because he couldn't sleep until she had gone to bed or passed out, tired because he had been getting up early to make sure the boys were fed and got to school, tired with worry and yes his grades had suffered so what? His mum had needed him, he told no one, he had needed to protect her.  
Vanessa spoke after a long period of silence.  
"Noah I'm not going anywhere....but I need you to tell me everything"  
Noah sniffed, he had finally stopped crying.  
"I didn't want to tell you, I thought you might leave".  
"So you just wanted to protect her....I understand Noah I really do but....hiding things doesn't help in the long term. Your mum...she may need help, she may not I don't know but it seems that it has got out of hand while I've been away so much so that it has affected your school work and that's a problem. It also seems to have caused you a lot of pain and worry which makes me think that it may be at a stage where she does need some help. When did you first notice she was drinking more than usual?"  
" About 3 months ago....I found her on the floor outside your bedroom she'd been sick. I cleaned it up and put a blanket over her, sat with her for a while she was just sleeping. I went into Moses and Johnnys room and slept there so if they woke up I'd be there and they wouldn't see mum".  
Vanessa clamped her lips together tightly her eyes pink as she fought back the tears. She was angry at Charity for putting their boys at risk but was thankful Noah had the sense to watch over them. She was angry at herself for going away and leaving them, angry at the cancer that had brought so much heartache, angry at her mum for needing her when her family had needed her so much more. She was in turmoil but swallowed it down determined not to worry Noah any more. She was here now and they would get through this as a family.  
"Go on Noah I'm listening...its ok"  
"I was frightened to sleep while she was still up so I'd wait until I heard her go to bed or listen out for when she'd fall and hurt herself. Then she started getting up later and would be stressed getting the boys to school so I helped her, then she started staying in bed and I was the one to get them dressed, give them breakfast and take them to nursery. I made sure they were ok I really did, they never knew and never saw her like I did.  
"Did anyone else see her?"  
"No I don't think so it was always at home and they used to think I was just helping out taking the boys to nursery because she was alone and working at the pub late.  
I used to hide the bottles, sometimes they weren't finished but I didn't want her to have them but she'd just buy more. I'd throw them on the way to school but sometimes I'd forget and that's why they were in my bag. I didn't want them in the house. She used to hide them but I didn't want anyone finding them so I'd chuck 'em.  
I couldn't be bothered in school I was too tired and all I cared about was mum and worry about what that night would be like, would she be sick, would she hurt herself, would she sleep early and hopefully I could too....she's all I cared about and Moses n Johnny. I was glad Sarah was in Scotland because she would have told the others and they'd make it worse having a go at mum. She doesn't need that.  
I'm sorry Ness..."  
"What for? It sounds like you looked after everyone and made sure they were ok and that was a huge responsibilty for you. I'm proud of you Noah, proud that you looked after your brothers and kept your mum safe. Don't you worry anymore. I'm here now and I'll deal with it, say nothing to your mum because I don't know how I'm going to approach it but I will and I'll let you know what I'm going to do.  
I'll take you into school tomorrow and Speak with Mr Hollen. I'll tell him its a family matter and we are dealing with it but it won't be happening again and I'm sure your school work will improve these coming weeks.  
Your mum will be home anytime so lets dry our eyes and stand tall....we are going to get through this and Noah love please don't worry, just talk to me. There's nothing you can say to me that will stop me loving you or your mum".  
Noah moved toward Ness and they hugged, he was so relieved that she knew the truth and even more relieved that she hadn't been angry and had promised she wasn't going anywhere.  
"Thanks Ness" Noah went up to his room, he lay on his bed exhausted from crying and from the months of pent up worry and stress. He drifted of to sleep confident in the knowledge that Ness would fix everything.


	9. Chapter 9

Vanessa sank down onto the sofa she slowly shook her head in disbelief. Why hadn't she seen this coming? Since she had really come to know Charity, to know how vulnerable she is under the bravado,she had seen first hand Charity's propensity for self medicating. She knew Charitys weaknessess yet hadn't foreseen this...why? How could she miss it? What on earth was she thinking leaving Charity alone, of course Charity would push it all down inside and find some escapism instead of dealing with it...how could she be so stupid?. Vanessas legs were like jelly, she knew something wasn't quite right but this!. Tears ran down her cheeks she quickly wiped them away determined to be composed when Charity came home. She wouldn't confront her outright, not just yet she needed to pick her moment. For now she would simply observe and see just how far Charity had fallen.  
Vanessa straightend herself ready for her fiancee to come home any moment and busied herself cleaning an already clean house. She went upstairs and checked the boys thankfully they had slept early thanks to Tracey's fun playtime. She looked in on Noah sleeping deeply. She felt guilty that he had been the one to shoulder the burden, he had suffered in his instinct to protect his mum. She was relieved none of the family had realised, Vanessa knows if they had they'd have teared Charity to shreds with their tough love approach that was more judgemental than a fair appraisal. Her stomach was in knots not knowing how she would react when she saw Charity. She must remain composed, nothing will be achieved if she reacts in anger, no Charity needs a response of love to get a handle on this and seek help if it had gone that far. Vanessa couldn't allow her to build her defenses higher and shut her out.  
Time ticked on and Charity was still not home. The conference would have finished hours ago, Vanessa worries her bottom lip, she won't call she doesn't want to become a neurotic girlfriend tracking Charity's every move.  
She went to bed and lay there listening to the silence...waiting.

Finally she heard the door open downstairs and Charity's unsteady footsteps on the stairs. She pretended to be asleep as Charity noisily entered the bedroom and took of her clothes. She climbed in behind Ness and threw her arm across her waist kissing the back of her neck.  
"Mmm you're late"mumured Vanessa trying to sound sleepy.  
"Stopped for a drink with the competition"  
I bet you did thought Vanessa but not saying anything. She could feel Charity's breathing was heavier and could smell the alcohol from her breath. Almost as soon as she closed her eyes Charity was asleep spooning Vanessa as if she had no care in the world. Vanessa lay facing away from her staring straight ahead tears silently falling from her eyes onto the pillow.


	10. Chapter 10

The sound pierced through the silence waking Vanessa with a sudden jolt, she heard Charity next to her "woah woah babe turn that thing off my heads busting"  
Vanessa reached over and switched off the alarm, she threw back the duvet ready to get up when she was swiftly pulled back by two arms that had hooked around her waist.  
"Not yet babes I want to snuggle some more"  
Vanessa flopped back down beside Charity, she turned to face her as Charitys lips met hers.  
"Oh your breath stinks" complained Vanessa wrinkling up her nose.  
"Charmin!"  
Vanessa was still angry with Charity after last nights revelations and her staying out so blatantly late but as she looked into charitys sleepy eyes the anger dissipated and gave way to an ache inside. She couldn't stay angry at her, not when she felt some responsibility for the current situation. She felt so conflicted, guilty but at the same time she reasoned with herself that Charity is a grown woman who makes her own choices. Then the other voice in her head tells her that underneath it all Charity is still emotionally in parts that vulnerable teenager who survives on her wits and has learned coping mechanisms to help her escape rather than deal with situations. As Vanessa gazed at Charity her heart melted, she wanted everything to be okay and made a choice in her mind that now she was home it would be.

Vanessa leaned in and kissed Charity hard "I love you even with your stinky breath"  
Charity laughed pulling her close "and yours isn't too tasty neither but strangely enough babe I missed your morning breath"  
"Aw you're so sweet"   
They lay there for a moment in silence.  
"As much as I'd like to stay here I've got to be up for work and drop the boys at nursery".  
Charity pouted "I'm not on until the late shift can I have a lie in?"  
"Course you can I'll sort the boys out. I'll pop in the Woolie after work. I can't do lunch as I'm out on the farms today but we can have tea together I'll bring the boys over".  
"Mmm I look forward to it".  
Vanessa gave her one last kiss and untangles herself from Charitys arms. Charity rolled over into Vanessa's side of the bed and inhaled her scent from her pillow before closing her eyes to steal a few more hours of much needed sleep.

Vanessa showered and dressed, as she opened the bedroom door she turned back and looked at Charitys sleeping form. Love overwhelmed her but it didn't ease the knot of anxiety that had taken residence in the pit of her stomach.  
Making her way across the landing and into the boys room. Johnny was already awake his face lit up when he saw her and he reached out his arms. Vanessa took him in her arms and kissed his cheeks repeatedly, Johnny laughed. Moses was still spark out his arms wrapped around his dinosaur teddy. She gently woke him and got them both ready for their day. Passing Noahs room she knocked, he was already awake and dressed. They made their way downstairs for breakfast. Noah instinctively started to make breakfast for his younger brothers before getting his own.  
"Its ok Noah you get yours and I'll sort these two out"  
"Its fine I'll do it, you want a brew?"  
"Oh I could get used to this"she said.  
"I already am" he replied deadpan.  
Vanessa's eyes dropped to the floor as another wave of guilt washed over her. Noah saw it and immediately felt a stab of guilt himself.  
"Sorry Ness"  
"Noah you have to stop apologising. You have been in a position no young man your age should be in. You've carried the weight of this secret for too long. Get yourself ready and I'll take you into school and see your headmaster."  
"She's smoking again, she thinks she hides that an all but I've seen her and smelt it".  
"I thought I caught a whiff when she came to visit. Don't say nothing yet, if she knows I know she'll only smoke more. At least now she's limited to where and when she can have a puff"  
"She will be okay won't she Ness? You'll both be okay?" Noah needed reassurance, he couldn't bear to lose Ness in his life, in their lives.  
"Noah me and your mum have been through so much together and we've always come out the other side stronger. I'm sure this is just a little blip, some little habit she's got into while she felt alone."  
"But she wasn't alone, she had us"  
"I know but its different when you fall in love. A partner in life is like a half that when you come together makes a whole, makes you complete and without that other half of you around, well, the world becomes a lonely empty place. Your mums just been trying to fill that emptiness."  
"You were alone and without her but you didn't fill the emptiness getting shitfaced."  
"Noah love your mum has been through so much in life and one way she learned to cope was to escape from bad feelings instead of dealing with them. I want to be honest with you, it doesn't make her a bad person or weak its just how she learnt to cope and she's just gone back to those old coping mechanisms. Don't you worry I'm here now and I'll deal with your mum in good time and please don't use words like shitfaced."  
"I was just being honest."  
"There are other words Noah"  
"I'd say sorry but you've told me to stop that" Noah half smiled, he stood in front of Vanessa looking like he needed a hug so she asked him.  
"You want a hug?"  
He shrugged but he didn't move away and dropped his gaze down to the floor. Vanessa moved towards him and put her arms around him, she felt his shoulders shake before he broke the hug and turned away from her. She sensed he needed some space so she turned her attention to the little ones who were munching on the toast that had been placed in front of them.  
"Shi face" grinned Moses.   
"Moses love we don't say that word"  
"Shi face shi face shi face" chanted Moses as he got down of his chair.  
"Now look what you've done" Vanessa whispered in panic to Noah who was now laughing "Just ignore him Noah and he'll stop if he doesn't get a reaction"  
Moses was watching Vanessa and grinning "Moses, Johnny get your shoes and bags" the distraction seemed to work and with the lack of reaction Moses seemingly forgot about his new word.  
They dropped the boys at school first and drove onto Noahs school. The closer they got the more sickness Noah felt in his stomach. They drove in silence for a while before Noah's voice broke the silence snapping Vanessa from her thoughts.  
"Did she used to do drugs?" He asked tentatively.  
"Why do you ask that?"  
"Dunno just wondered"  
"You know your mum had a difficult upbringing and you heard about some of the stuff she was involved in and experienced. It was really hard for her Noah she was just a kid back then. Its not really a conversation you should be having with me, you know your mum doesn't like discussing her past" Vanessa wanted to be honest with him but had to be very careful to protect him and also not break Charitys confidence.  
"I don't like seeing her the way she was some nights. It's like it wasn't her, she was nasty I mean really nasty, angry shouting at no one and then she'd cry. I hated hearing her cry it sounded like the weird freaky noise the foxes make in the night like someones being murdered."  
Vanessa felt like she had a punch to her stomach at hearing Noahs words. She couldn't bear to think of the painful cries releasing the hurt that had been buried for so long. Charity hadn't sought counselling for all the stuff that went on with Bails and the aftermath of the trial. Vanessa had tried to encourage her to seek professional help but Charity wouldn't entertain the notion. The past is the past she'd say and that she doesn't really think about it much but Vanessa knew that all that shit could only be surpressed and buried deep for so long before it started manifesting itself in whole manner of ways usually negative behaviour. Shit she thought, this is more serious than she had initially imagined. Maybe when she is beside her it was easier for Charity to supress things and carry on with life but then in the long term thats no good as her dependency simply shifts from mood altering substances to Vanessa. She thought back to previous conversations when she had tried to encourage her to seek professional help.   
Charity had told that she didn't need to see a counselor and that she was sorted thanks to Vanessa. Vanessa bit on her bottom lip her mind wandering again.


	11. Chapter 11

The little beetle pulled into the school carpark, they got out and made their way to the headmasters office. He was unavailable but Vanessa politely and firmly told the secetery that they would wait.  
20 minutes later Mr Hollen appeared from his office "Ms Woodfield I wasn't expecting to see you so soon"  
"Yeah there's been a development and I'd like Noah to be back at school, I think its best if we discuss this in your office"  
He opened the door and motioned her inside.  
"I won't be long Noah"  
Once inside Vanessa took a deep breath "thank you for seeing me Mr Hollen. I needed to see you today so Noah can be back in school and back to some normality. He has opened up to me, the alcohol was not his and I believe him 100%. Its not a school matter but a private matter which I am dealing with. I'm sure you'll see an immediate improvement in Noahs school work and his attentiveness in class."  
"Right, thats quite a development. I do however have to consider Noahs well being and clearly there have been issues as of late and without sounding like I'm prying in a private matter we do have a duty of care to Noah while he is a pupil with us. Due to the seriousness of the incident and it not being an isolated incident we do have to consider if a referral to social services is required. They have specialist support for young people."  
"Mr Hollen I appreciate you have your policies and procedures regarding your duty of care however I must point out that this was an isolated incident as there is no other evidence except for heresay from other pupils. I don't think an isolated incident warrants a referral to social services especially when an investigation would only reveal that Noah does not have any issue regarding alcohol. You know as a family we have had a really tough few years but we have come through stronger. We appreciate the support the school provided in the past but we are dealing with this current matter ourselves. If we feel you need to be aware of anything we will come and discuss it with you. At present there's an amazing young man out there who needs stability and normality in his life which includes being back at school and to focus on his studies."  
Mr Hollen sat back in his chair and looked at Vanessa, he had great respect for her and was confident that she was an ideal role model for any teenager and a responsible parent. However he had many dealings with Dingle children in his years of experience in education and not all of those dealings were positive not just with the children but also the parents. Vanessa sensed his apprehension.  
"Mr Hollen give Noah a chance to show you, give him a couple of weeks and I can assure you there will be a vast improvement, if not then make all the referrals you feel you need"  
Mr Hollen leaned forward, he decided in that moment that he would give Vanessa a break.  
"Ms Woodfield Noah can return to school, he will be closely monitored by staff and if as you say there is positive change then we can leave the matter there, if not we will as a school notify statutory services of our concerns. Please do talk to us if you need to, we are here to support Noah and you his family to ensure his education is not affected by difficulties in his home or family life."  
"Thank you Mr Hollen, much appreciated"  
"Thank you Ms Woodfield for your prompt action. Is Ms Dingle unavailable today?  
"We thought it best for me to deal with it as I came to see you yesterday when things came to light"  
"Okay I'll bring Noah in and let him know he can return to school today"  
Mr Hollen left the office and returned with Noah.  
"Noah we have discussed the recent developments and I have decided that you can return to school. However I do need to see an improvement in you attentiveness and in your work. If there appears to be no change then I will have to take further action. Noah you can come and talk to me anytime, my door is always open for you."

Thanks Mr Hollen and thanks Ness"  
"No worries love, I've got to get to work   
now but I'll see you after school. We are having tea at the Woolie later. Your mums working so I'm bring the boys over. See you later." She gave him a reassuring hug and thanked Mr Hollen again before leaving.


	12. Chapter 12

Charity woke still hugging Ness's pillow, her head ached and her mouth felt like the inside of a tram drivers glove. She opened her eyes and spotted a glass of water on the bedside cabinet with 2 paracetamol next to it. She smiled to herself and reached out swallowing the paracetamol and draining the glass of water completely. As she lay back down she stared at the ceiling, she thought to herself I'm getting to old for this lark. She knew she needed to sort herself out and vowed not to drink alcohol for the rest of the week.  
She stood in the shower for longer than intended letting the water cascade on her head down her hair and her body trying to wash away the shitty aches of too much alcohol and the self loathing that guilt brings. The paracetamol should kick in soon so she can physically function but she thinks she may well need a little something to help with the emotional shitstorm in her head just for today and then tomorrow she promises herself she'll sort herself out.

Vanessa finished off her notes and logged off the system. It had been a pretty quiet day just enough to keep her occupied but not enough to tax her brain or stress her out. She had enjoyed being out on the farms and had welcomed the easy chat with some of the herd owners. She had just enough time to go home for a brew and a quick rest before picking up the boys. She wanted her own company to gather her thoughts so had declined the offer of a brew with Rhona instead promising to have a pint later at the Woolie. She felt a catch up with Rhona would be good but she knew she had ulterior motive to keep an eye on Charity.  
She entered Jacobs fold and welcomed the silence. She switched on the kettle and suddenly thought to herself that there was no one home. Vanessa climbed the stairs and entered their bedroom going straight for Charity's wardrobe. As she opened the doors she half sighed and half smiled at the chaos flung at the bottom of the wardrobe. Clothes that Charity no longer wears and clothes that she probably would wear but has forgotten she has. Vanessa rummaged around and went cold, withdrawing her hand from the chaos she stared at the bottle she had pulled out. Vodka, empty. She placed it beside her and plunged her hand back in rummaging around and feeling another cold glass empty bottle amongst the clothing. In total she found 3 plus one with 1/4 of its contents still intact. She sat on the floor hugging her knees to her chest and let the tears flow. "Oh Charity, Charity" she whispered into the silence. Her mind was in turmoil, thoughts racing, conversations and words recalled flashing through her troubled mind 'I'm not someone you can save Ness' 'I'm not someone you can save' echoing and drowning out all other sounds 'I'm not someone you can save Ness.............


	13. Chapter 13

She sat there on the floor in silence once the tears had subsided. Vanessa knew from what Noah had already to her that things were bad but this was like another nail in the coffin. The proof was there in front of her eyes, the hidden stash of empty bottles that no doubt Charity had even forgotten were there. 

Vanessa felt so alone she desperately wanted to share the burden, to talk to someone and get advice. She couldn't talk to Noah he had seen way more than he should have already. Vanessa ruled Rhona out straight away, she couldn't betray Charity by letting Rhona know their private business and the depth of Charity's vulnerability. Tracey would fly off the handle trying to protect Vanessa and be angry at Charity which would push Charity deeper into the vortex she was lost in.The only person she possibly thought could handle this and support them was Chas. Chas knew Charity's history and worked alongside her at the pub, they had grown close over the years even more like sisters than cousins. Vanessa feared that Chas may let slip to the rest of the Dingle clan which would be a disaster, they'd probably hold a court and Charity would feel cornered, judged and may well run. Chas had mellowed herself over the years but could Vanessa trust her to be discreet especially in light of their partnership at the pub and Charity's been drinking their profits.

"Aaaaarghh!" Vanessa screamed in frustration. She took deep breaths and tried to form a plan in her mind. If she had a plan she could stay sane and grounded, if she had no plan she just had confusion and no solution in sight.  
Vanessa decided to put the bottles back in the wardrobe, she would challenge Charity outright when the time was right. She would pick her moment when Charity least expected. For now she needed to concentrate on smiling and pretending all was well.  
She got up off the floor and placed the bottles in random places amongst the clothes strewn on the wardrobe floor. She changed her clothes, washed her face and got herself ready for their family tea at the Woolie.

Charity was bored, the afternoon had been slow and she was looking forward to having a family tea together. She had set up the table in the back room so they wouldn't be disturbed by well meaning well wishers fawning over Vanessa. Charity never understood why some people were socially inept and would stand there chatting while they were trying to enjoy some good ole family time. 'Surely if we wanted your company we'd have invited you' often snarked around her head but she's gotten so much better at not vocalizing all her thoughts. That was Vanessas influence, many nights Charity had endured the cold shoulder after Vanessa had been embarrassed by Charitys verbal assaults on people and had kindly apologised on her behalf. She hated the cold shoulder so had learnt very quickly not to verbalise all her thoughts especially when Vanessa was around.

Charity was busy clearing glasses when the door opened and Vanessa walked in with the boys. Charity greeted her with a broad smile   
"hey babes" she crooned greeting Vanessa with a kiss. Vanessa smiled weakly.  
"You okay babes?"  
"Yeah just feeling a bit tired thats all"  
Charity immediately concerned "are you sure you're not doing too much? Do you need more time off work? We can manage babe I don't want you doing too much"  
"No no I'm fine. Where's Noah?"  
"He's already in the back watching TV. I've set up the table in the back so we won't be disturbed."  
"Oh good, come on boys lets go and see Noah"  
Chas walked over to Vanessa and the boys "Charitys managed to talk me into letting her skive again for your important family meal."  
"Oi you I said I'd let you off early and I'd lock up tonight. Thats a fair offer!"  
"True" said Chas with a wink at Vanessa "sorry love she's gonna be late tonight"  
"Well I'll just have to wait up for her then" said Vanessa with a sideways glance at Charity who was busy wiggling her eyebrows.  
"I said I'd meet Rhona for a drink after so I'll be here a for a while. Tracey said she'd take the boys back and put them to bed, Noah will watch them until I'm home."

"Marlon is the food ready? Ness is here now" Charity shouted into the kitchen.  
"Coming through" Marlons voice boomed from the kitchen.  
"Come on Johnny, Moses lets get your coats off and sat at the table."  
Noah sat inbetween his young brothers to their delight and chatted away with them about school. He teased Moses about his dinosaur saying it was a dog not a dinosaur. Moses voice rose higher and higher as he tried to convince Noah it was infact a dinosaur and called him silly. If it were Johnny he would probably have believed Noah because he hangs on Noahs every word. Johnny was laughing at Moses, Vanessa looked at the boys and then at Charity, her smile spoke the words 'I never want to lose this'. Charity picked up on the sadness in her smile. "You sure you're okay babe?"  
Vanessa put her hand on Charitys "yes I'm here where I should be with my family who I love more than I could ever express."  
"Going all soppy on me babe?"  
"I love you Charity so much"  
"And I love you too babe"  
Noah made a gagging noise.  
"Oi you" Charity poked him.  
Noah just smiled "I'm glad you're back together making me gag but please can we just eat now?"

"How was school?" Charity asked him.  
Noah looked at Vanessa and she gave him a warning look.  
"Yeah fine. It were good today"  
"What? You haven't got a parents evening coming up have you? Trying to impress us" laughed Charity.  
Vanessa put her head down and shovelled a fork full of food in to keep her mouth occupied. She didn't trust herself not to make a snarky comment.   
"How can you even say that mum?"   
Vanessa kicked him under the table and he looked at her with hurt in his eyes.  
"I was only joking babe, chill your boots"  
"How"s your footy team doing Noah?" Vanessa was desperately eager to change the subject.  
"S'okay we've got a match next week in the school league"  
"Ah can we come and watch?"  
"Yeah if you like" Noah was pleased at the thought of his family supporting him. "But no vomitfest smoochin on the sidelines"  
Charity scoffed "as if!"  
"What do you think boys shall we go and watch Noah's footy match next week?"  
"Yeah" they chorused.  
"Yoohoo only me V" Tracey made her usual bubbly entrance. "Hello my favourite nephews that includes you Noah! We going to have some fun with Aunty Trace?" She giggled.  
"Oh please" huffed Noah.  
"Ah you love it really" sung Tracey ruffling his hair.  
"Geroff" Noah pretended to be annoyed but he did like the affection and did find Tracey quite amusing.  
"Any food for me?" Asked Tracey nosing at the pickings.  
"It's not a soup kitchen Trace" Charity shot back.  
"Ooo hark at you sarky pants" she said picking a piece of chicken off Charity's plate and shoving it in her mouth grinning.  
"Try that again and I'll put holes in your fingers" snapped Charity holding up her fork.  
"Charity" warned Vanessa "the boys"   
"Yeah well there's a sly fox stealing my chicken"  
"Oooo foxy am I?" Tracey wiggled her hips.  
It had become a favourite pastime of Traceys to wind Charity up. In fact it had become a game to them both, Charity's not big on emotional demonstrations and it had become their way of communicating their fondness of each other by bantering.  
"Yeah well you might as well join us now you're here"   
"Well seeing as I'm looking after your kids for the next few hours I should think so Charity!"  
Tracey got herself a plate and helped herself to some food. "I'm flippin starvin"  
  
They ate tea and hung around playing with the kids while Noah disappeared upstairs on his console. He enjoyed still having his own space at the Woolie so he didn't have to hang around downstairs watching kids programmes or being coaxed into playing with their toys. He was still annoyed by Charitys comment about parents evening. He wondered when Ness was going to talk to his mum and felt the anxiety in the pit of his stomach. 

Tracey left soon after with Johnny and Moses shouting up to Noah not to be late. He was finishing off on his game before heading over to Jacobs Fold.


	14. Chapter 14

Charity and Vanessa went through to the bar.  
Vanessa perched herself on a stool at the end of the bar so she could chat with Charity in between her serving customers while she waited for Rhona.   
"I'm really proud of how you've coped while I've been away Charity"  
"Uh huh"  
"It can't have been easy for you, running the pub, looking after the kids, worrying about me and doing it alone. I'm sorry I couldn't come back sooner."  
"Well, you're here now babes" Charity leant forward and met Vanessas lips, lingering, not wanting to draw away. "I want to make love to you Ness" Charity breathed into her mouth. Vanessa melted and felt a whole host of sensations in her body but most noticably in her lower region "take me right now I don"t care who is watching" whispered Vanessa.  
"Oi steady on you two! I'll have to start charging on the door for the floor show!" Chas bellowed.  
Vanessa let go of Charity and laughed, Charity turned toward Chas "excuse me for being in love and having a exceptionally healthy sex life thank you. Jealous?"  
Chas rolled her eyes just as the door swung open and Rhona walked in.

"Thank goodness you're here love. I was about to get a bucket of cold water to chuck over these pair"  
"Aw playing catch up again are they" asked Rhona.  
"They play catch up after being apart for a few bloody hours!"   
"Come on Ness you've plenty of time for that later when you get home" Rhona ordered drinks and they made their way over to the booth. Vanessa sat facing the bar so she could watch Charity as she worked.

An hour or so had passed and the Woolpack was steadily busy, Rhona had hardly taken a breath giving a detailed account of her life during Ness's absence. Vanessa was by now only half listening her focus drifting increasingly to Charity.

"Vanessa are you listening?" Questioned Rhona "you've got that dopey 'I can see Charity' half smile on your face. Vanessa!"  
"Sorry Rhona I was just thinking how happy I am to be back, you were saying?"  
"Yeah..." Rhona continued with her story.

Vanessa's gaze again drifted to Charity, Chas was busy serving with her back to Charity. Charity lifted a glass to the optic nearest the door and walked on through to the back. Vanessa startled from her dreamy stupor and sat up 'did she just take a shot of vodka?' Vanessa thought to herself. She second guessed herself as the action was so smooth, swift and unexpected. Charity returned from the back room her arm hanging beside her with an empty glass she placed under the counter.  
"Ness are you okay?" Rhona asked  
Vanessa again felt the all to familiar feeling like she had been punched in the stomach.

"Er yeah sorry Rhona I still get tired and find it hard to concentrate"   
Vanessa's mind was all over place.  
"No I'm sorry Ness whittering on about stuff and not thinking about you. Do you want to go home?"  
"No no I'm okay just don't be offended if I seem distracted I don't mean to be."  
Vanessa sat back and tried to focus, it had happened so quickly that she continued to second guess herself.

She heard a voice beside her "Noahs back home the boys are sleeping so I'm gonna head home now V"  
"Ah Trace I didn't see you come in there. What were you saying?"  
"I said Noahs home and the boys are in bed sleeping. I'm going to go home now. Are you okay V?"  
"Yeah just a bit tired. I'm going home myself shortly. Thanks Trace I'll see you tomorrow"  
"Alright see you tomorrow. Night Rhona"  
"Night Trace"

"You want another one Ness?"  
"Er no thanks I'm going to go when I finish this one"  
Rhona went to the bar and left Vanessa with her thoughts.  
Charity smiled over at Vanessa and winked and all Vanessa could do was hold back the tears and smile back. Charity came out from behind the bar and walked toward her.  
"You okay babe?" she asked with concern.  
"Yeah I'm heading home after this I'm a bit tired thats all."  
"Keep that bed warm for me yeah" Charity winked again then turned and went back to the bar.  
Rhona returned and sat down "Right Ness what's really bothering you?"  
Vanessa looked at her and sighed "I don't want to talk about it Rhona. I'm okay I just need time to settle back after all thats gone on."  
"Everythings okay with you and Charity though?" questioned Rhona.  
"Yeah everythings fine I was just thinking I shouldn't have left her on her own for so long."  
"But she's done you proud Ness she really stepped up and kept things afloat here. She looked after the kids and the house, continued working here and managed to juggle it all."  
"Yeah she's been great" Vanessa was finding it increasingly difficult to talk with the lump that had formed in her throat.  
"I need the loo I'll be 2 mins" Rhona got up and made her way to the toilet.

Vanessas gaze again fell on Charity she had finished serving a customer and there it was again another shot from the optics and straight out the back. Vanessa had seen enough, she was angry and felt sick. Rhona returned as Vanessa was putting on her coat.  
"Ness you off?"  
"Yeah I heading home, I'll see you tomorrow" Vanessa headed towards the back room and met Charity in the hallway glass in hand which Vanessa was sure she was attempting to keep from view.

"I'm off home"  
"Yeah sure babe, I'll try not to be too late"   
Vanessa leant into Charity and kissed her 'yep there it is neat vodka no mistaking it' Vanessa thought to herself. She said nothing Charity licked her lips and dropped her gaze looking awkward.  
"You okay?" Asked Vanessa.  
"Yeah now you're home, remember keep that bed warm" and with a wink she was gone back to serving punters.  
Vanessa walked through the bar and toward the exit the noisy chatter in the pub ringing in her ears. She stepped outside into the cool night air and made her way to Jacobs Fold alone.

Vanessa opened the front door and stepped into the silence. She took off her jacket, hung it on the rack and stepped further inside. She stood for what seemed an eterrnity in the lounge her arms wrapped around her frame to unconsciously stave of the cold she felt inside. She looked around at the pictures, the sofa, the cushions, the walls and everything held a memory. It was all so familiar but so different now. Had too much passed?  
She walked to the kitchen and stood at the sink she knew she needed to have this out with Charity.   
Vanessa slowly walked up the stairs, she checked on Moses and Johnny both wre fast asleep. She knocked on Noahs door there was no answer and as she put her ear to the door she could hear faint snoring. Good, she thought they're all asleep.  
She continued to their bedroom and made her way across the room to Charitys wardrobe.  
She opened the doors and rummaged about her hand coming into contact with the cold glass. She removed all the bottles and carried them downstairs and placed them on the table.  
Vanessa made herself a brew and sat down the bottles stood on the table in front of her. She sat and waited in the silence for Charity to come home....


	15. Chapter 15

Vanessa sat for a while thinking things over, it would be at least another hour before Charity came home. She got up and went upstairs into their bedroom and took out a medium sized suitcase from under the bed. She started packing a few essentials for herself before going into the boys bedroom and taking some of Johnnys clothes to pack. She placed the suitcase in their bedroom beside the door, got changed into her pjs and went back downstairs. At least it had passed some time and she was prepared.  
She made another brew and took up her position in the single armchair with the bottles in front of her. From this position she would be able to see Charitys reaction when she challenged her.

Another 30 minutes passed and still no sign of Charity.

The last of the punters had long left and the doors had been locked. Charity had cleared the glasses, cleaned the surfaces and cashed up for the night. The lights were off only the low lighting from the optic shelves was on, she picked up a glass and helped herself to a shot feeling it was well earned after a steady nights work. She sat at the end of the bar alone and took a good swig of the burning liquid. She must get home soon she thought, Ness would be in bed. She tipped her head back and finished off the voddy shuddering as she felt the burn in her throat. Charity cleaned the glass and went through to the back to collect her coat and scarf before letting herself out into the cool night air out the back door where she lit up a smoke and inhaled deeply. I need to stop this she thought and promised herself that tomorrow she would.  
Finishing her smoke she went back inside, washed her hands and popped a chewy in her mouth.  
Charity let herself out again and headed towards Jacobs Fold. She saw from a distance the light was still on downstairs, may be Vanessa had forgotten to turn it off.

Vanessa felt the adrenalin when she heard the key in the door. Charity entered, she looked slightly shocked seeing Vanessa sitting in the chair.  
"Babe its late what you still doing up?"  
Charitys eyes fell on the bottles on the table "what's this babe don't tell me you've drank all them!" Charity laughed nervously. It was a stupid thing to say but the cogs in her mind were already turning as she fell into default mode of humor and blagging to buy time as she mentally assesed the situation.  
Vanessa knew what she was doing and gave her no time, she kept eye contact with Charity   
and said firmly and clearly "I know".  
"Know what babe?"  
"I know Charity" louder this time as she tipped her head towards the bottles on the table.  
"Babe I don't know what you're talking about"   
Here we go thought Vanessa the first lie as Charity continues in her internal panic mode while maintaining a cool exterior. Lying, buying time, assessing and thinking on her feet. God how quickly she reverts back to her old pattern of thinking and reacting thought Vanessa.  
"Stop Charity. I'll say it once more...I know. I don't want you to say anything because if I hear one more lie pass your lips we are done. I have a suitcase already prepared upstairs. I want you to think about what you're going to tell me, I want to hear it from you and I want honesty. I love you Charity and whatever you tell me will not change that, I can assure you of that, however if you lie then this is not going to work, we are not going to work. Goodnight Charity I'm going to bed. I will leave you to do some thinking" Vanessa walked toward the stairs and went up Charitys eyes followed her but she never opened her mouth.

Charity stood in the lounge in shock at what had transpired. She looked back at the bottles one still 1/4 full and wondered where on earth they had come from. The truth was she couldn't remember putting them anywhere so she wasn't lying when she said she didn't know what Ness was talking about.  
She did however know she had been drinking more lately, in fact she had been drinking for some time. She had no idea how long because it was all a bit fuzzy if she was honest, it had just helped her forget and to sleep at night in an empty bed. She hadn't done anything wrong had she? Since when was having a few drinks a big deal?

Suddenly it came again washing over her like someone had pulled the chain on an old cistern flushing through her, the rapid heartbeat, the beads of sweat across the back of her neck and on her cheeks, the inexplicable desire to run. She rushed to the sink and ran the cold water splashing it on her face desperately trying to control her breathing. She wanted to sit but wanted to stand fuck she wanted to be anywhere but nowhere at the same time.  
"Shit" she caught hold of the kitchen worktop her knuckles turning white as she gripped tightly fighting for breath. She couldn't stop the sounds escaping her throat desperate and strangled, she could hear the cries but only realised they were from her once her heartbeat started to slow down and her breathing came under control.  
"Fuck, fuck" she whispered hoping no one had heard her. She stumbled into the lounge and reached for the bottle 1/4 full and took two desperate swigs.  
Turning towards the back door she went outside to feel the cool air and think. Lighting up a smoke she paced up and down her veins pulsating.

Vanessa removed her hand from her mouth where she had placed it to muffle her sobs. She couldn't bear to hear Charitys cries and it took everything in her to stop herself from running downstairs to reach out to her and hold her until it had passed. She put her fist in her mouth It hurt so much to not go to her. Vanessa reasoned with herself 'I'm not Charitys saviour, I never will be she has to come to her senses and admit to herself that she needs help' but it was killing her to do it.  
When Charity went outside Vanessa watched from the upstairs window as she walked up and down her brain working overtime. Vanessa could almost hear the internal struggle in her fiancees mind, she ached to go to her, to reach out and take her in her arms and tell her that she's got her but she remained rooted to the spot watching.

Charity sat on a tree stump head down running her hand through her hair.  
Vanessa willed her with every ounce of her being to make the right choice, she knew she was fighting against her instincts which told her to protect herself at all cost, Charity had learned this from an early age it was how she survived. Protect yourself and others by any means by lying, by shutting people out, by running, by pretending you don't care, by rejecting people before they had a chance to reject you. How many times had she asked for help as a child only to be rejected and beaten, to be told she was a wrong un, a whore, a little bitch, no child should ever hear those things. She had needed security, love and acceptance but she never recieved any. Its no wonder those who would abuse her gravitated to her and she found herself being hurt again and again.

Vanessa had tried before to encourage Charity to get professional help after the Bails trial but she wouldn't hear of it and while she had done an okay job of putting the lid back on it seems now that the lid was not only lifted off but was well and truly lost altogether!  
She looked down at Charity, she looked so lost and vulnerable. No one else saw this side of her Charity wouldn't allow it.  
Charity got up again and started pacing, Vanessa wished she knew what was going on in her head, was she making a story in her mind to minimise her behaviour or was she contemplating being honest and coming clean? 

Vanessa knew she was scared, scared of losing what she has if she opens herself up. Her insecurities knawing away at her eroding her self worth and telling her that shes not good enough. How many times does she need reassurance? Vanessa sighed, if only Charity could see herself as Vanessa sees her and learn to finally love herself.   
As she watched from the window she saw Charity wiping her cheeks where the salty tears ran down. At least thats a good sign thought Vanessa.  
Charity turned back towards the house and went inside, Vanessa quietly scurried across the room and got into bed. She heard Charitys footsteps on the stairs and enter the bedroom. Only the bedside lamp was on giving the room a soft glow. Vanessa lay as if she was sleeping.

Charitys movements were slow, she undressed and went to the bathroom, took a shower and brushed her teeth. She sat on the edge of the bed and applied her moisturiser Vanessa didn't move. She heard Charity give a big sigh, Vanessa thought she was crying but couldn't be certain. Charity sat there for a while, her eyes fell on the suitcase and she felt sick, she felt like her world had imploded and she had finally come to the end of herself. She brought her hand to her mouth as she tried to silence her crying. She looked round at Ness's sleeping form, God she loved that woman so much that it caused her to ache. Charity wondered why Vanessa loved her, the fact that she had stayed through everything made Charity wonder if she was honest with her there may be a chance she would still stay but then hadn't everyone always tired of her in the end when she pushed them too far.

She lifted the duvet and climbed in bed beside her and lay looking up at the ceiling willing Vanessa to reach out to her. Charity was so scared to reach for Vanessa herself for fear of rejection which would at this moment in time destroy her completely, she felt so alone.  
Vanessa lay motionless facing away from Charity willing her to just reach for her. This had to come from Charity, she had to come to a place of honesty and if it were Vanessa making the move the moment would be lost, 'God how can you be so close to someone yet feel so alone?' She thought.  
Charity was scared and Vanessa knew it but she needed to face her fear if she was ever going to move on into a place of healing.  
Charity moved close to Vanessa who was facing away from her, she moved to spoon her burying her head in the back of Vanessa's neck.  
"Ness" she whispered her voice no more than a squeak. "Ness....I....I need help" she broke down tears flowing freely as Vanessa turned and took her in her arms.  
"I know" she said "I know and we'll get help. Lets talk tomorrow" she pulled Charity closer and kissed her forehead as they cried in each others arms.  
Vanessa closed her eyes relieved that they can now move forward, to start to unpick the pain of the past and begin the journey of recovery.

Tomorrow was a new day and there was much to talk about. Charity would not be comfortable with things that have to be said, she needs to know how much this has affected Noah and the potential impact on her business partnership with Chas. This was just the beginning........


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, no light reading yet. Stick with it Charity is heading in the right direction thanks to the support of Vanessa.

They were tangled up together under the duvet when Charity woke, Vanessa was still sleeping.  
Charity lay there for a moment as the events of the previous evening played over in her mind. She felt scared and unsure of where she goes from here. She looked at Vanessa sleeping, she couldn't remember what time they slept but she's pretty sure she slept first.  
Charity carefully extracted herself from Vanessas arms and legs, she checked the time 06:53 she got up and went to the bathroom to pee and sat on the toilet for longer than she needed while her brain ticked over.  
Finally she decided to get up and went downstairs to make a brew. She stepped outside while the kettle boiled and lit up a smoke. 'Fuck' she thought 'she's going to want to talk about this today' Charity didn't feel up to talking, she hated talking about things but she knew Ness was not going to let this go.  
'I'm fine now' Charity thought 'Ness knows and I can stop there's really not much to talk about' she flicked the butt and went back inside washing her hands.  
She made 2 teas and carried them upstairs where Vanessa was still sleeping. Charity sat up in the bed and sipped her tea. Vanessa stirred and reached out for Charity.  
"You okay?" she asked her.  
"Yeah feel a bit shit after last night" said Charity staring into her steamy brew.  
"Well it will feel like that for now, its hard to admit stuff but we'll get through it. You've done the right thing. I'm proud of you Charity"  
Charity scoffed "what? For being a complete pillock and nearly ruining everything AGAIN!"  
"No" Vanessa laughed softly "for being honest and facing up to things"  
"Thanks to you"  
"I'll ring Rhona, get her to cover my appointments today"  
"No babe you don't need to do that"  
"Charity this is important there's things we need to sort out"  
"Babe its okay I'm fine now thanks to you. You know everything and I'll get back on track now"  
Vanessa sat up "oh no that is not happening Charity there's stuff we need to discuss and you need to get some professional help, you said so last night"  
" Professional help? I didn't say that I just said I need help and now you"re home and we talked a bit last night it helped"  
"No that is not happening, there are things you need to know that I didn't even touch on last night" Vanessa got up and pulled her dressing gown on frustrated at Charitys backpeddling.  
"I'm getting the boys up, I'll take them to school and we can talk when I get back"  
"Ness please"  
Vanessa walked over to Charity, she bent down and kissed her "don't be scared we will get through this. Remember I love you even if you taste like an ashtray" Vanessa said pulling a face. She turned and walked out of the bedroom to the boys room.  
"Shit" breathed Charity.

Vanessa got the boys up and dressed, she knew Charity was feeling particulary vulnerable so she was happy to take charge and do the school run. She also wanted a quick word with Noah before he left.  
Noah came downstairs and sat at the table. Vanessa had his breakfast ready for him, it pleased him that he felt he was being looked after and not having to be the parent himself. He knew things would change when Ness came home, he smiled at her he wanted to tell her that he felt safe and like a proper home but nah it was too cringey to do that.  
"Noah love, I spoke to your mum last night. I haven't told her what happened at school or anything else you told me. I will be speaking to her today about that. Just go easy on her, she's feeling quite vulnerable, she knows there's a problem and we are going to work through it".  
"You don't have to tell her Ness, you know, about school or the stuff I told you".  
"Noah I have to tell her she needs to know the effect her drinking had on you. I imagine she's going to be quite embarrassed when she knows the extent so remember just go easy on her".  
"'k but I don't know what to say to her about it".  
"Let her come to you Noah but don't you be worrying you've done nothing wrong. I've got your back" with that she winked and smiled.  
Noah left to catch the bus as Ness finished preparing the boys for school.

As Vanessa was leaving Charity made her way downstairs slowly. She stood at the bottom step her eyes lowered to the floor.  
"I'm taking the boys to school and I'll be back" she kissed Charity and took her hands in hers "Charity its okay, you can do this, we can do this".  
Charity lifted her eyes to meet Vanessas but there was a reluctance in them that Vanessa could see. Vanessa knew this was going to be hard but she couldn't let Charity backpeddle on her confession last night she needed to dig at this wound while it was still open and help Charity get rid of the infection before she closed the wound again with the poison still inside.  
"I love you Charity"  
Charity smiled sadly, she couldn't even love herself so what on earth could she offer Vanessa? 'Hurt and pain' she thought mentally beating herself for the umpteenth time this morning.  
She made another brew and stepped out the back as Vanessa left with the boys for school.

Vanessa made a quick call to Rhona.  
"Hi Rhona, are you able to cover my call outs this morning?  
"Possibly, where are your appointments?  
Its all in the diary. If you can't just reschedule what you can.  
"Mmm okay..."  
" I won't be in today I've got stuff that I need to see to urgently".  
"Are you okay Ness? Only you seemed a bit out of sorts last night"  
"Yes Im okay but I cant put this off. Thanks Rhona".  
Rhona sighed she worried about Vanessa, still, she had Charity to fuss over her and look after her.

Charity was smoking her second cigarette with her cup of tea. She could hear the birds and felt strangely calm although the brick in her stomach weighed her down when she thought of the mornings planned activity.  
She decided to go in and take a shower before Vanessa got back.  
Showered and changed she was applying her make up when she heard the key in the door. She was reluctant to go downstairs but knew she had to face Ness and owed it to her to show willing. She moved hesitantly, again stopping at the bottom where she saw Vanessa sitting on the sofa. Her stomach in knots she approached her.  
"Did you speak to Rhona?"  
"Yep and I'm all yours today. I also stopped by and spoke to Chas. I haven't told her anything I just said that we had some things to sort out and that she would need to get cover for this afternoon."  
"Bet that went down well"  
"She wasn't happy but I said I couldn't go into detail. I think she was a bit shocked because I didn't ask I just told her".  
"She probably thinks were having a day in bed and I'm skiving".  
"Let her think what she wants I don't care right now, my concern is you Charity. So shall we talk?"  
"Babe you know I'm not good at talking".  
"Well how about I talk and you listen".

Vanessa took a deep breath " Charity I'm going to tell you how I found out about the increase in your alcohol use. The day you went to the brewery conference I had a phone call from Noahs school. They were concerned as they had discovered vodka in his bag when it accidentally fell out. He has been sleeping in class recently and his grades deteriorating. Other pupils had reported they had seen him with bottles and due to this the school asked that I attend the school to see the headmaster with Noah. You were unavailable. Noah wouldn"t speak in the meeting and Mr Hollen suspended him until we found could find out more from Noah about what was going on. There was even talk of a referral to social services which I managed to talk him out of.  
He also offered Noah referrals to specialist services for young people with substance misuse issues". 

Charity went cold, she couldn't look at Vanessa, she felt sick and wanted her to stop. She placed her hands over her ears and stared at the floor, she had no idea what was coming next or why Noah would have been drinking vodka himself. Vanessa removed Charitys hands from her ears.  
"Charity you have to hear this."  
"No Ness I don't understand. Why would Noah do that?"  
"Charity he was protecting you. He wasn't drinking he was clearing out the bottles from the house so no one would see them and removing unfinished ones to try and stop you drinking."  
"Babe no."  
"Yes Charity. He wouldn't say anything until I insisted I would have to tell you when you got home and eventually he broke down in tears and told me everything.  
He told me how he couldn't sleep worried about you, waiting until you went to bed so he would know you were safe. He picked you up when you had fallen, he found you outside the bedroom lying in your own vomit. He was the one who cleaned up and put a blanket over you and slept in the boys room so if they woke he would see to them and protect them from seeing you. He found you half naked in the bathroom one night and again covered you. He got the boys up for school, gave them breakfast and walked them to school before going himself often being late and unable to concentrate on his studies. He had to listen to you tormented and Charity it tormented him."

Charitys head hung lower she burned with shame and retched, she stood up and started pacing. "Stop it Ness stop it."  
"NO I won't stop it. Charity you have to hear this. That boy has been covering for you, worried sick himself and been the one to care for our boys while you were in no fit state to do so. You put our boys at risk Charity, if it weren't for Noah..I can't even think what could have happened. You need help Charity."  
"Stop Ness stop." Charity continued pacing her hands over her ears she could feel the panic washing over her again as she tried unsuccessfully to control her breathing "I can't do this I can't do this." Charity was frantic she went to the kitchen gripping the worktop fighting for breath, gasping for air. Vanessa rushed to her side "its okay its okay Charity I've got you."  
Charity sunk to her knees on the floor taking Vanessa with her.  
"Charity look at me breathe in." Vanessa took a deep breath in "and out" she breathed out taking Charitys tear stained face in her hands to make her focus on her "in and out, in and out, look at me Charity, in and out, stay with me...in and out."  
Charitys eyes focussed on Vanessas as she started to breath in sync with her.  
"I've got you" vanessa threw her arms around Charity and held her tight as Charitys body shook with crying.  
"I'm sorry Ness I'm so sorry." She sobbed.  
"Its okay you're going to be okay"

The silence in the house was deafening as they sat in the lounge neither one not knowing what to say. Vanessa spoke first "I'm going to call the surgery, see if Manpreet can fit you in this afternoon. You need to speak to her."  
"No, no way babe. I'm not letting people know my business!"  
"Charity she is your doctor and its confidential, she's not going to gossip or tell anyone. She was so good during my diagnosis. I'll be with you we can go together. Charity she may be able to prescribe something for the anxiety."

"Charity" she asks tentatively, knowing that her next question could potentially cause an explosion.  
"Is there anything else you want to tell me?"  
"Like what?"  
"Charity I need to know everything if Im going to be able to support you in this. And I'm sorry but I have to ask are you using anything else?"  
"What! Ness!" Charity exclaimed incredulously .  
Vanessa quickly held up her hand palm facing Charity.  
"Think before you say anything Charity...I need the truth"  
"I was a kid back then, you know that, I told you and yeah I used whatever I could to escape my shitty life and my own head but I can't believe you would throw that back at me!" Charitys high pitched defensive deflection of the question confirmed Vanessas fears. She remained calm but firm "Im not throwing anything at you Charity Im just asking and don't want to hear you say anything else other than a straight yes or no. Have you used any other substance other than alcohol?"  
Charity squirmed as a drawn out groan escaped her throat desperately trying to find a way out of Vanessas persistence and her ability to pin her down but she couldnt find any. Charitys eyes brimmed with tears as everything started to unravel "yes" she cried as she bent forward with her head in her hands. "Its not an issue it was socially and I never bought any, never used alone it was just there and I had some ok"  
"Where socially and who with?"  
"An old friend I bumped into and we met up a few times"  
"Since when did you meet up with old friends?"  
"Er since my fiance left and I was lonely"  
"Thats not fair Charity. Did you seek this friend out and did you actively pursue continuing to meet up?"  
"Ness it was a few times, its not an issue it was just there and yes I had some"  
"Charity its not that you used illegal substances, its the motivation behind it that made you pursue meeting up with an old friend knowing that there would be something on offer to help you escape from your feelings"  
Oh my gosh how did Vanessa always do that she thought to herself, she could see right through the bullshit.  
"So come on what was it?"  
"Ness it doesnt matter it was just a few times and theres nothing to it"  
"What was it?" said Vanessa firmly  
" oh god it was just a bit of crack" Charity rolled her eyes.  
"As in cocaine?"  
"Ness I smoked a few rocks because it was on offer, I didnt buy or go looking for it"  
"But you went back and met up again. Did you smoke it again?  
"Ness theres no need for this"  
" How many times Charity? That's a highly addictive drug! How many times? "Gritting her teeth Vanessas eyes were pink as she fought to hold back the tears.  
"2 maybe 3 I swear Ness it was just on offer and not something I'd do on a regular basis. I can take it or leave it."  
"What about the alcohol? That was regular"  
"Ness I missed you so much. I couldnt sleep I hated being in our bed without you there. It helped on those nights but now you're back its ok"  
"But its not ok Charity, Ive known for a while and I've watched you in the pub. When you're working taking sly shots at the optics. I know you've always self medicated when you're going through stuff but this? Its got a grip and you need to stop. You admitted yourself you need help"  
"But Ive got you Ness you're back now and I dont need it anymore"  
"Then why are you still taking shots from the optics in the pub on shift. I've been back weeks and you're still medicating. Why? I'm here now and you say you don't need it but youre still doing it ...why?"  
"I dont know" in a barely audible whisper...  
Charity its ok to feel bad things. I missed you too and hated being apart from you but I had to deal with those feelings. You can't just take something to make them go away. All the stuff is still there underneath the surface underneath the substance, it doesnt go away you're just hiding it by taking mood altering substances. The best thing is to deal with it"  
"Its not that easy Ness, I dont want to feel those things, I cant deal with it like you. Im so sorry Ness I should be the strong one for you" Charity broke down her whole whole body shaking from the sobs

"This is too much for me to deal with Charity."  
"What? What do you mean Ness? You're leaving me?"  
"Of course not but I can't deal with this alone, you can't depend on me with this its something you have to face. You need to see Manpreet she can refer you for professional help. Charity this is not the real problem, the real problem is all the shit that's happened to you and you have never dealt with it. After that stuff with Pierce I had counselling and it really helped to get it out there and process what had happened. You need to talk to someone too. If you think anything of us, our relationship, our kids you'll at least try instead of chasing highs and getting so pissed your teenage son has to look after you."

Vanessa handed her phone to Charity.  
"This has to come from you, call now."  
Charity scrolled through for the number, she got up and went to the kitchen unable to sit still."

Charity came back to the lounge after finishing the call.  
"3.15 this afternoon"  
"Good, this is a positive step Charity, come 'ere."   
Charity walked toward Vanessa her head down. Vanessa wrapped her arms around her until she felt Charity accept and return the embrace. They stood and held each other, moulded together, a perfect fit, a humming reverberating through their bodies like some strange ancient natural communication that only they understood.


	17. Chapter 17

You ready? Asked Vanessa.  
"No not really" charity sighed "do we really have to do this babe? I mean can't we just deal with it ourselves?"  
"Charity this is to big for us to deal with ourselves. I can support you in this but not without professional help. You'll be fine Charity, just be honest, Manpreet is not going to judge you she's a health professional and she can help."  
"I just hate people knowing our business and I feel ashamed. I don't want to feel like she's watching me when she comes into the pub."  
"Don't you think she's got better things to do than watch you like getting on with her own life outside of her work!. Do you take an interest in punters apart from serving them in the pub?"  
"No course not."  
"Well then, same thing." Vanessa was becoming irritated as Charity rolled her eyes.  
"Charity" Vanessas voice softened "never be ashamed to ask for help." She kissed her tenderly as she finished putting her arm in her coat sleeve and ushered Charity out of the front door.

They sat in the waiting room Charity becoming increasingly fidgety. Vanessa wished Manpreet would hurry up as she suspected Charity was about to get up and leave any moment.  
"Babe I can't do this, let's go. I'll stop you have my word. I'm.." Charity was cut off by the sound of her name being called.  
Vanessa smiled at Charity "come on" and they made their way to the consultation room.

"Hello" manpreet smiled as they entered the room. She gestured toward the seats opposite her. "How can I help?"  
Charity didn't open her mouth. Vanessa smiled nervously at Manpreet and turned her gaze to Charity.  
"Charity"  
Manpreet waited patiently.  
Charity felt the panic starting to engulf her, she tried to fight it but the fear consumed her. She looked at Vanessa who recognised the fear in her eyes.  
"Charity its okay" vanessa took her hands in hers.  
"Charity, you're experiencing a panic attack or anxiety attack just focus on my voice. I want you to name 3 things you can hear." Said Manpreet.  
"A phone ringing, your voice and a door closing." Struggled Charity inbetween breaths.  
"Good, now name 3 things you are wearing."  
"brown jacket, jeans and black top."  
"Now 3 things you can see."  
"The desk, a pen and Ness." Charity focussed on Vanessa.  
Manpreet spoke clearly and calmly to Charity. as she started to calm down. Telling yourself to name 3 things you can see, hear or what you're wearing can help ground you in the present. Tears brimmed her eyes as she dropped her head unable to look at Manpreet.  
"How long has this been happening Charity."  
"A long time, it's always been there but it got worse during the trial, you know..er... about the..erm.. court case with the police officer and what he did to me."  
"Yes" Manpreet nodded. " Did you have any counselling after the trial or at any time to help you process what happened?"  
"No I didn't think it would do any good. Anyway that's not why I'm here but the anxiety has gotten worse recently."  
"Right, well we can look at getting you help with the anxiety, what else can I help you with?"  
Vanessa interjected "things have been tough on us as a family these past months, years even. I've been away at my mums having treatment and Charity's been coping alone.. well.."  
"Okay, I've got into a habit and it's affected my kids, my work and my relationship and I'm finding it hard to stop." Charity rushed her words as if she didn't get them out in one go she never would.  
"I see, can you tell me a bit more about this habit?." Manpreet asked knowing better than to assume although she was pretty sure she knew.  
"I take a drink to relax."  
"Alcohol?."  
"Yeah, so there you go I've said it."  
"When you say your taking a drink to relax can you be more specific? How often and how much. I'm just trying to build up a picture of what is happening, how your health is at risk and possible ways we can help you."  
"Every day probably on average no more than 500ml vodka, half bottle, half litre whatever you want to call it."  
"That's way above the recommended number of units per day for a woman which is going to impact your health. How long have you been drinking that amount?"  
"Maybe 5 months."  
"Do you drink in the mornings?"  
"I have"  
"Do you experience physical withdrawals if you don't have a drink such as shaking, sweating?"  
"Sometimes I feel a bit jittery."  
Vanessa was feeling increasingly sick in her stomach but kept her expression the same as she didn't want Charity to close up.  
" well, you've achieved the first step in admitting there's a problem and that's a huge step. I can refer you to specialist services for substance misuse they will go through a full assessment with you and look at treatment options. It may be that it's total abstinence that you need or it could be a programme of controlled drinking but the assessment will help you decide. They also offer counselling one to one or group work, family therapy. Are you happy for me to refer you?"  
"I..I...don't know."  
"What puts you off being referred to a specialist substance misuse service?"  
"I don't think I need it. I can cut down, stop."  
"Charity why did you come here today?"  
"I don't know..I thought may be you could help."  
"Okay Charity for now I'd like to run some tests to check your liver function. I can check your health but I can't help you stop that has to be addressed by specialist services. If you stop suddenly you may be at risk of possible seizures if your body is dependant. If you're experiencing shakes or jitters then its possble you are physically dependant as well as psychologically. Specialist services can assess fully and address the reasons why you drink by counselling and therapy which I think would be very beneficial for you."  
Vanessa took hold of Charitys hand and squeezed.  
"Okay refer me, I need to do this." Charity looked at Vanessa and half smiled. Vanessa knew she was feeling vulnerable so she mouthed "well done, proud".  
"For now you can reduce at home but supervised. Usually a family member can help with this." Manpreet looked at Vanessa who nodded.  
"Reduce 50ml every 3 days, drink small amounts throughout the course of the day and if you can manage it reduce a little more, your body will let you know how it's coping. Any shakes, sweats, irritability and mood swings means your experiencing withdrawals. I suggest you take time away from your work at this early stage. Its good to be open about it people are generally supportive but thats up to you who you tell. It just helps if your struggling and stops anyone offering you a drink. You'll need to occupy yourself to take your mind off cravings. It will be hard but worthwhile and you should hear within a week with a date for your assessment."  
"Thank you" said Vanessa.  
"Yeah thanks."  
"No problem and Charity it takes a strong person to admit they need help so well done. Here's your form for blood tests. If you pop in and see the nurse she'll sort that for you and I'd like to see you next week for follow up."

They left the surgery hand in hand, Charity was quiet but she knew she had made the right decision she pulled Vanessa closer and put her arm around her shoulder as they walked to the car.

"Lets go buy some jigsaws and playing cards."  
"What?"  
"Charity you need to keep your brain and hands occupied in the evenings create distractions."  
"I know what I can distract my hands with." Charity winked suggestively and laughed.  
"Charity I'm not going to be your substitute for alcohol, You'll just be using sex instead of alcohol to make you feel better."  
"What so like sex is banned?"  
"Charity lets focus on recovery for now. Sex isn't banned indefinately but it's not on the menu for the next week."  
"well I'll have to go solo and sort myself out then"  
"Charity" said Vannesa in a warning tone knowing she was just trying to get a rise.  
"What? You going to turn into the masturbation police too?"  
"Charity please stop being childish"  
"Childish?" said Charity raising her voice "Childish oh for fucks sake Ness you're the one who treats me like a child 'well done Charity, proud of you, round of applause for Charity. Fuck off Ness"

Vanessa stopped in her tracks "Where's this come from? Why you being so nasty? You want my help and I'll help you but I'm not going to be spoken to like that."  
"Sorry I just need...I'm just irritable..I don't mean it Ness." Charity sighed "I don't know if I can do this."  
Vanessa suddenly realised what was going on, she spoke softly  
"Do you need a drink? Withdrawals kicking in?"  
Charity turned away and put her hand to her face and tried to catch the sob that escaped her. "I'm sorry Ness."  
"Come on, there's a shop there,lets go."  
"What?"  
Vanessa quickly crossed the road and went into the shop. She bought a half bottle of vodka. "Lets go to the car."  
They made their way to the car, Vanessa unlocked the doors and they got in.  
"Here" she said handing Charity the vodka "just a bit to take the edge off."  
Charity cried "I can't believe it's come to this sitting in the car swigging neat vodka. Why didn't you just get a brown paper bag with it and leave me in a bus stop!"  
Vanessa laughed.  
"It's not funny Ness it's humiliating."  
" It's okay no one can see you, chill out Charity, we'll get through this unless you keep whining and I will leave you at a bus stop. I'll keep hold of it and we'll start today reducing by 50ml. However, we go shopping and get jigsaws and cards, tonight is pj night and chill."  
"I've got to go to work Chas will be complaining."  
"Charity we have to tell her, she'll understand. It's like Manpreet advised you should stay off for 2 weeks for now especially as its early days. Just to get your head sorted and have your assessment."

Once the shopping trip was finish and Vanessa had loaded up on supplies they needed to keep Charity occupied they headed back to Emmerdale.  
Vanessa pulled in behind the Woolpack.  
"Come on then might as well speak to Chas now and get it over with."  
"Babe what if she tells the rest of the family? I don't want them judging me you know what they're like. They never cut me any slack and this is just another bullet to fire at me."  
"Well we'll ask her not to and hope she keeps to it. Look Chas has been like a sister to you these past years I'm sure she'll understand."  
"Yeah with her brand of tough love it will be 'pull yourself together Charity you've got a pub to run yada yada yada." mimicking Chas.  
"To be honest Charity you don't have much choice and lying saying you're not well will just piss her off."  
They got out the car and entered through the back door. The lounge was empty, Vanessa put the kettle on and went through to the bar.  
Chas was busy chatting to Marlon, she saw Vanessa as she walked through.  
"Vanessa you okay love?"  
"Yeah erm could we have a word? Charity is in the back."  
"Yeah is everything okay? Marlon cover for me."  
"Have I got to do everything here? I'm supposed to be in the kitchen." Moaned Marlon.  
"Well you haven't bothered with the kitchen for the past 15 minutes plus there's no food orders so get on with covering the bar." Chas ordered.

They made their way into the lounge Charity had made a brew and had sat herself down on the sofa. Vanessa sat beside her taking hold of her hand while Chas took the seat opposite.  
"So what's going on?" She asked.  
Vanessa took a deep breath "we've just come back from the Drs Charity has been advised to take 2 weeks break from the pub while she addresses a problem that's surfaced."  
"What is it? What's wrong."  
" Chas my health is okay at least I think it is, I'm waiting on tests. I've been struggling while Ness was away, I didn't say anything but it's affected Noah pretty bad and I haven't spoken to him yet so please don't say anything." Charity sighed and took a deep breath in "I've been drinking more than usual, I didn't realise how out of control it was getting but it got really out of control and I'm finding it hard to stop."

"Well its not really a shock to be honest. I mean I knew you were drinking more but I didn't think it had gotten so bad."  
"You knew?"  
"Charity you'd come in each day like a bear with a sore head. My paracetamol stock was constantly raided and I could see it in your eyes love. I tried talking to you but you didn't want to hear. I thought you'd sort yourself out once Vanessa was back."  
"Manpreet has advised I stay away from any environment that may be unhelpful at present. She's referred me for an assessment to discuss treatment and has requested liver function tests. I go back next week for the results. Ness is helping me reduce 50ml every 3 days so my body doesn't go into shock and have seizures.  
I don't want anyone else to know, not yet anyway and I really need to make things right with Noah."  
"Oh love why didn't you say anything? I would have been there for you."  
"I didn't realise myself Chas it just happened. I couldn't sleep and it helped me sleep, I felt like shit of a day and it made me feel better It just happened." Charity dropped her gaze to the floor, Vanessa squeezed her hand.  
"Come here you daft cow." Chas went to Charity and hugged her "take these 2 weeks and see how you are I'll get Bob to cover your shifts I'm sure he'll be glad of the extra money and don't worry not a word."  
Thanks Chas I'm sure I'll be bored and wanting to come back sooner."  
"If you do you'll be working shifts with me I won't be letting you loose on your own to pour the profits down your neck." Chas said jokingly but she meant it. "Go on go home I'll pop in and see you for a cuppa."  
As they left the Woolpack Charity felt a weight had been lifted from her.  
"See I told you she'd understand. People are not always out to trip you up and watch you fall Charity, there are people who genuinely care and want to help and support you."  
" I just want to lie down babe I feel emotionally exhausted."  
"Let's get home and get our pjs on and chill on the sofa with lots of cuddles."  
"Mmmm sounds exactly what I need babe."

"Ok what shall we have for tea?" Vanessa asked Charity. She was caressing Charitys head in her lap as they watched an old movie.  
"Lets order pizza babe, no cooking plus it's Noahs favourite I think he deserves it as well as an apology from me."  
"Oh Charity Dingle what's happening you are turning over a new leaf, an apology without being prompted!"  
"Ness it's serious and I don't even know what to say to him. I'm so ashamed I let him down again. I'm such a shit mother."  
"Stop that, you're a good mother Charity who sometimes gets things wrong. If you were so bad you wouldn't be worrying about it or apologising to him. Noah's a good kid, he loves you. He doesn't know what to say to you and told me I didn't have to tell you what had gone on with the school and the other stuff."  
"You've spoken to him?"  
"Mhm I've kept him up to date. He deserves to know the truth and to be honest and open with him. He appreciates that more and he has respect when he's treated like the amazing young man he is. He loves you Charity, remember his actions were to protect you thats all he tried to do."  
Charity took a swig from her shiny new plastic sports bottle that Vanessa had insisted on buying her. Practical as ever she had purchased it to fill with vodka so Charity could discreetly take her drink without the embarrassment of Vanessa measuring out supervised shots and take it anywhere discreetly. It's just one of those little thoughtful things that make a massive difference that Vanessa is so good at and Charity thanked the gods once again for giving her such a beautiful soul to share her life with.  
"Babe I'm going to nip out for a smoke before Noah comes in. I know you hate it and I'll pack it in."  
"Charity one thing at a time and by the way Noah knows you're smoking again so you don't have to hide it just be honest."

Charity sat on the bench and lit up inhaling deeply. She watched the clouds drifting across the sky and had a thought that this was the most human she'd felt in a long time. Her thoughts drifted back to Noah, he didn't deserve any of this and she hoped she could find the words to try and make amends knowing how shit she was at expressing her feelings. She herself didn't deserve any of this a georgous fiancee, amazing kids who actually do love her. She finished off her smoke and sat a while longer so the smell would go before getting up to go inside to wash her hands.


	18. Chapter 18

Noah came through the front door, dropped his rucksack on the floor and took of his coat. Vanessa was in the lounge she smiled when she saw Noah.

"How was school?"

"Ok, where's mum?"

"She's out the back. Er Noah I spoke to her today and she knows about what happened at school and the effect her drinking has had on you. We also went to see Manpreet at the surgery, we'll have a good chat later. Ordering pizza for tea! You choose."

"Brilliant!"

The back door opened and Charity walked in, she was surprised when she saw Noah although she knew he was due home. She stopped in her tracks and broke eye contact dropping her eyes to the floor.  
Noah didn't move.

"Noah's going to order the pizza but before that I think we need to have a little family conference. Charity?"  
Charity didn't look up.

Noah stepped forward "mum."

"I need the toilet..excuse me" and with that Charity without looking up headed quickly up the stairs.  
Noah huffed and looked at Vanessa.

"Noah come on love sit down, she'll have to come back down, don't let her avoid it. Let's wait."

Charity was in the bathroom her stomach in knots. She was all for apologising to Noah but when he was stood in front of her she bottled it. She knew the longer it goes on the more hurt he would be but she didn't know what to say. "Shit shit shit" she repeated, she hated that she couldn't express herself in a motherly way, apologise and make it all better. She couldn't hear anything so either Noah had left or he was downstairs with Ness waiting. Knowing Ness she had told him to wait. Charity's brain ticked over to try and find a way out of the situation but she couldn't and worse still she'd left her magic sports bottle in the kitchen. God she could really do with it now, she'd have drank the lot and may be found some words to say! After what seemed like an eternity to her she realised she couldn't hide in the bathroom all night, it was pretty pathetic and she had done wrong by Noah, she needed to own up however pathetic she sounded. She slowly opened the door and descended the stairs trying to see into the lounge.  
As she got to the bottom she saw Noah sitting on the sofa Vanessa in the chair.

"Er sorry I panicked...I know I'm pathetic...Noah I'm so sorry for what I put you through. I..I...didn't realise it had got so bad...well..I did..but then I didn't care..well I did care but I just didn"t do anything about it and I'm sorry. I'm such a bad mother and I understand if you hate me...I would and I know I've made promises before and broke them but...I..I will try and if you give me another chance I...I can change..although you probably don't believe me..I wouldn't but.."

Vanessa sat on the sofa she closed her eyes and willed Charity to stop rambling but she couldn't say anything as this was between Charity and Noah. Charity really needed helping out though...

"Mum just stop" said Noah.

'Thank goodness' thought Vanessa as it was getting painful to listen to.

Charity stopped talking and stood looking awkward. Suddenly she sprung forward "let's order the pizza,what we having?"

Vanessa's face was a picture of disbelief! Noah just shook his head.

"What? I thought we were having pizza" said Charity when she noticed their faces.

"Charity sit down." Vanessa spoke firmly.

Charity moved toward the sofa and sat on the edge like a child waiting to be told off.

"Mum I hated seeing you like that. You scared me and there was no one to help. I was scared for Moses and Johnny if some one found out or if they saw you so I made sure they didn't. I hated hearing you screaming and your puke smelt mingin and I had to clean it up."

Charity's head dropped lower "I know I know and I'm sorry Noah and if I could go back and undo it I would."

"You can't mum can you. I'll always have the memories of it. I can't unsee or unhear it. You were supposed to look after us."

"What do you want me to say Noah? I said I'm sorry!" Charity shrieked.

"You don't get it do you. I shouldn't have to do those things."

"Noah how many times do you want me to say I'm sorry. Should I..should I get on my knees? Is that what you want? Cause I'll do it if it makes you happier."

"Mum you say you're sorry but you don't act like it. You act like you're the victim like I should be saying sorry to you for wanting a proper apology."

Charity rolled her eyes and stuck her bottom jaw out.

"Charity may be you could look at things from Noahs perspective."

"Babe I know I done wrong, I've apologised and I can't undo it so I don't know what else I can do." Charitys voice was high pitched as she waved her arms about.

"May be explain what you've been doing today and how you're getting yourself sorted."

Charity took a deep breath  
"I went to see or we went to see Manpreet today. She's referring me to substance misuse services. Ness is helping me reduce at home. I'll show you my magic bottle." Charity went to the kitchen "see this is mine only, voddy" She said smiling.

"You're still drinking?" Noah was annoyed. He looked at Vanessa "and you're okay with that?"

"Noah when the body is used to alcohol sometimes there is a risk of seizures if there's a physical dependancy when you stop suddenly. Also psychologically the cravings can be intense and the best way to manage this is to reduce slowly. 50ml every 3 days is what we are aiming for. Your mum should have an appointment by the end of the week for an assessment to see what options are available for treatment. It may be that its a controlled drinking programme or total abstinence but until the assessment we don't know. She's making the right steps. It's not something that can be done overnight. We are going to do this right."

"Noah I'm going to do this, they have counselling and will help me to find different ways of dealing with stuff." Charity looked to Vanessa for support.

Vanessa spoke again "Noah no one else knows apart from Chas. Your mum is taking 2 weeks away from work. Obviously Manpreet knows she's a doctor and we saw her today but she's not going to say anything it's confidential. Please don't say anything to anyone we want to deal with this a family. Are you okay with that?"

"Suppose. What about Debbie and Ryan? Have you told them?"

"Not yet when the time is right...maybe...I don't know. Look Noah this is all new to me and...if I'm honest...I'm...I'm scared."

"Of what?

"I don't know..talking about things...feeling things..not being able to run away...I don't know Noah I'm just..scared." charity almost whispered the last word.

After a period of silence Noah spoke.

"Mum I'm proud of you for trying and doing something about it. I'm glad you're getting help and I want to help you do that so just don't lie to me. Let me help."

Charity gave a nervous laugh "how did you grow up so good?"

"Mum I'll always stick by you even when you mess up because you're m' mum."

That was as close as it got to an I love you for Noah but Charity understood. She turned her body to face him and reached out her hand to give him an affectionate rub on his arm. Noah leaned in towards her and put his arms around her and Charity responded, as they hugged Charity was powerless to stop the tears rolling down her cheeks.

Vanessa stood up and walked into the kitchen desperate to force the tears back down that had welled in her own eyes.  
She put on her coat and slipped out the door to collect Moses and Johnny from Traceys.

"Hiya Trace" Vanessa called as she entered Tug Ghyll.  
"Oh hiya V we've had a lovely afternoon haven"t we boys?"

Johnny and Moses looked up grinning "yes" they said in unison. Vanessa's heart melted at the sight of them like little angels.

"Have they been good?"

"Well the usual mischief but yeah little angels apart from Moses who has apparently learned a new word."

"Oh and what's that?"

"It sounds an awful lot like.. shitface (Tracey silently mouthed the word).. I didn't make a fuss but thought you might like to know and he didn't get it from here."

"Thanks Trace he might have heard it off one of the kids in nursery, who knows, they're like little sponges"

"Yeah (Tracey laughed) there's one more thing V. Johnny was in the kitchen and he kept pointing to a bottle of vodka on the shelf saying mummys" Tracey giggled "Is there something you're not telling me V?"

Vanessa's automatic response was defensive before quickly laughing it off however it didn't escape Traceys attention.

"V is everything okay?"

"Yeah course why wouldn't it be?" Vanessa responded.

"You just seemed a bit weird when I said about Johnny that's all. Is there anything you want to talk about?" Tracey suddenly became concerned and serious.

Vanessa laughed "Tracey stop reading into things the kids say they're always coming out with strange things."

"Well as long as you've not become a raging alcoholic hahaha! Bye boys see you tomorrow, give us a kiss before you go." Tracey hugged them both before they headed out.

They made their way to Jacobs Fold and Vanessa opened the door, Noah and Charity were still seated together on the sofa. She could tell Charity had been crying but there was no tension in the air. Both Charity and Noah smiled as they greeted them. Noah stood up and Vanessa didn't miss the little squeeze he gave before he let go of Charitys hand. Looks like things had gone better than she hoped! Gosh Charity was right he has grown up so good.

"Come on rugrats whose gonna fight me?" Challenged Noah.  
Both Johnny and Moses ran to him hanging onto an arm each as Noah lifted them off the floor. They squealed in delight as he plonked them back down on the floor both of them now clinging to his legs wanting a lift up. They adored their big brother and the feeling was reciprocated.  
Noah looked over at Vanessa "pizza's on it's way."

"Good I'm going to get my pjs on and get the boys ready for bed because no doubt they'll sleep early after being at Traceys."

Charity got up "I'll give you a hand and get changed myself."

"Ok suppose I'll wait for the pizza then." Complained Noah "but don't be long because if it arrives soon it's all mine."

After pizza Noah stayed sitting in the lounge with them watching tv, the boys in their pyjamas were engrossed in their building blocks while Charity lay with her head in Vanessas lap. The boys were showing Noah what they had built which was basically 3 blocks stacked together and Noah was building things for them. Amazing creations in Johnny and Moses eyes! They looked up to Noah so much.

Vanessa stole little glances at her family and felt the love swell in her heart. So what if it was messy at times and hurt that's what happens in families and it's love that keeps them together and brings them through. She thought of Charity as a child and as a young woman, Vanessa played with her hair as she lay in her lap. She felt sadness that Charity had endured so much hurt but then reasoned with herself that every experience Charity ever had has made her the woman she is today and Vanessa wouldn't change her for the world. Sure everyone changes, even she herself has changed over the years and even in the past 3 years with Charity but change comes in stages in our lives. Thats the beauty of love and partnership, the journey together navigating life and evolving while loving each other just where they are at, just the way they are without forcibly trying to change someone, instead loving them so much that they want to change, want to be better themselves. She had already seen this take place in Charity over the years and was content as she sees it continue. She looked down at Charitys head in her lap 'God I love this woman' she thought to herself with a dopey smile on her face.

Vanessa looked up and saw Noah staring at her, he smiled and she smiled back.  
She dropped her gaze again to Charity.

Noah watched, he had never seen anyone show so much affection and love towards his mum. He thought back to when he was a child, the violence, the fear, he saw more than she will ever know and it still hurts to remember. He was so glad his mum had met Vanessa, at one time he never thought he'd say that but it was the truth, Vanessa had changed her life, their lives.  
His thoughts were interrupted by Vanessa's voice.

"Bed time boys, who do you want to read a story?"

Johnny decided Charity while Moses wanted Noah "oh right so nobody wants me then?" Pouted Vanessa.

"Sorry babe you've just not got it" laughed Charity getting up from the sofa.

"I'll clean up in here then seeing as I'm not needed." still pouting.  
"Oh babe you are so needed you're the glue in this family, you hold us all together." Charity crooned as she kissed Vanessa.

"Eurgh enough please." scowled Noah.

The boys gave Vanessa hugs and kisses before going upstairs with Charity and Noah.

Vanessa was clearing the lounge and kitchen she could hear the animated voices of Charity and Noah telling the story while Johnny and Moses giggled. She laughed to herself at the noises that carried downstairs.

Once the boys were settled Noah went to his room to play his game online.

Charity walked downstairs and across to where Vanessa stood at the sink. She stood behind Vanessa resting her chin on her shoulder and her arms around her waist.

"I love you so much babe."

Vanessa gave a little laugh "I know and I love you too Charity Dingle."

"I don't deserve you babes I know I don't."

Vanessa turned to face her "Hey..where's this come from?" said Vanessa softly.

"Everyone knows it babe even without them knowing about my latest failings. I'm sorry I just wish I was a better person."

"Charity you're a wonderful person, amazing, smart, georgous, exciting and kind even though you don't think you are. Charity I fell in love with you because you are you, you are so worthy of love and I wish you could believe that because its the truth. Yes you've got things wrong but we all make mistakes, we all fail in things that's being human. The important thing is learning from those mistakes and doing something about it which you are."

Charity gave a sad smile.

"Come on let's go to bed I'm tired it's been a long and emotional day." Vanessa kissed her softly.

Vanessa made her way to the stairs and waited while Charity put out the lights.

The room was quiet, as they lay in the darkness Vanessa spooning Charity she could senses Charity was uneasy.

"You okay?" Vanessa asked.  
Charity remained quiet for a while staring into the darkness. Finally she spoke.

"Ness....I wasn't completely honest." 

"What do you mean?" Vanessa's stomach lurched.

"I don't want to keep anything from you but.."

"Charity" Vanessa interrupted in fear "don't"

"Ness I need to be honest."

Vanessa bit on her bottom lip tears threatening to overflow from her eyes. She willed everything in her to push them back down.

Charity continued "when we saw Manpreet today I told her how much I was drinking. I lied, it's been more than that..I'm sorry Ness."

"What? Is that it? Is that what you wanted to be honest about?"

"Yeah I felt ashamed as it was so I just randomly gave that figure."

"I guessed that anyway and I'm sure she did too. No one likes to admit failings so they often underplay the facts. Oh my god Charity." Vanessa burst into tears..

"Babe what's wrong?" Charity turned to face her full of concern when suddenly the realisation hit her "no babe you didn't think I was going to say there had been some one else?" She asked in disbelief.

Vanessa wiped her eyes, she couldn't speak. Charity pulled her close "babe I would never never do that to you. I missed you so much, the drink helped me stop feeling just how much but I never went elsewhere. God Ness you're my only I could never be with anyone else but you and anyone who even thinks otherwise does not know me at all. Yes I've been down that road before but I've never loved like this before. I just couldn't and I'm gutted it even crossed your mind and hurt you."

"I just didn't know what you were going to say and I know you were not in your right mind..it could have happened."

"Never babe never please don't even give thoughts like that space in your head. I ached for you and I knew you would come home to me but it was so long. I don't even know how things got so out of control I just needed to stop the hurt I felt inside being apart from you."

"I'm sorry I stayed away so long...so much had happened, the cancer, my mum. I thought you'd cope better with the kids without me being sick and needing you to look after me."

"Babe I know I was a bit shit at dealing with the cancer at first. I just couldn't begin to imagine losing you and didn't know how to deal with that."

"I didn't help the situation going off partying like a student and shutting you out and then the whole Johnny guardianship mess."

"Ness you weren't thinking straight you had so much to deal with."

"I've been thinking Charity. I haven't been helpful in the past I should have seen the warning signs. Most nights we would crack open a bottle of wine or two, both of us probably drinking over the recommended units per week. Then after the trial you slipped then. Self medicating to stop the hurt inside, I should have seen the   
warning signs back then."

"Babe stop..I should have seen the signs myself and if anything it was me who had us opening the wine most nights. You would have been happy with a hot chocolate or a latte. I'm the one whose responsible for this happening. I should have seen myself what was happening but it was so gradual before I knew it I was no longer in control. Every day I'd tell myself I'll stop tomorrow but tomorrow didn't come."

"You don't need to tell me how much Charity. We move forward from here. We reduce you every 3 days as Manpreet advised and when you have your assessment be honest then. You can decide on your options for treatment once you have all the information."

"Will you come with me? For the assessment, I want you there Ness I don't want to hide anything from you. I want to be completely open."

"Of course. I love you so much Charity."

"I love you too Ness."

Charity squeezed her tight in her arms as Vanessa drifted off to sleep her head on Charitys chest listening to her heartbeat.


	19. Chapter 19

The light stole through the edges of the curtains signifying a new day. Charity blinked she could feel Vanessa snuggled close spooning her, her arm draped over Charitys waist. She didn't want to get up, she felt a heaviness had descended on her and couldn't understand why. In the early moments while Vanessa slept on peacefully Charitys mind churned over and over. She thought about the past few days her positivity must have taken the opportunity to run in the darkness of night. She felt overwhelmed, the thought of her pending assessment weighed her down. Did she really need it? If Ness was helping her get a handle on her drinking what was the point in going to see someone to talk about why she drinks. She won't be drinking now Ness is back. What a fuck up she was, in her forties and still messing her life up and those around her. Why does Vanessa stay with me she wonders, there are so many successful beautiful women out there who'd give anything to meet someone like Vanessa. Why does she waste her time with me?  
Vanessa stirred  
"what you thinking about?" Came her soft sleep heavy voice.

"Nothing, how did you know I was awake?"

"Your breathing isn't relaxed, your body is tense, I can just tell." She said as she kissed Charitys shoulder.

"You okay?" Questioned Vanessa.

"Yeah" answered Charity unconvincingly.

Vanessa scooched in closer and squeezed Charitys waist. "Mmm it's still early"

"Can't sleep" said Charity.

"What time is it?" Asked Vanessa.

"About 5.30"

"How long have you been awake?"

"Dunno maybe an hour."

"Try and sleep Charity and stop thinking so hard" she pressed another kiss to Charitys shoulder.  
Charity lay still her mind continuing to churn over.

At 6 am Charity decided to get up and make a brew. She extracted herself from Vanessa's arms and legs as gently as she could and was thankful that she only stirred slightly but didn't wake. Charity made her way downstairs and switched on the kitchen light. She checked the water level in the kettle and finding just enough for her brew flicked the switch. There were no tea bags in the tin so she opened the cupboard to find some. Her eyes fell on her sports bottle, she picked it up and for the first time since she opened her eyes she felt good. She told herself it was because there was a small amount left and she was to be congratulated on her achievement of not drinking it all the previous day. However what she didn't realise was the deception in her own head, the feel good feeling was actually more to do with the fact that she felt it was okay to have it now as it was part of yesterdays allowance that she didn't use. It would take the edge of this shit feeling that she woke up with. Ness wouldn't know and it's not like it wasn't allowed or was a bad thing as it was in her allowance.' Fuck it she thought I've done too much thinking' she lifted it off the shelf and went outside with her smokes and sat on the bench. She figured she had a least an hour to herself.

Just before 7 she went back in, she was cold and knew the kids or at least Johnny would be awake soon. She put more water in the kettle to make a brew for her and Vanessa to take up. She had finished the previous days allowance in her sports bottle and then realised she wasn't sure if Vanessa had checked it. She held it under the tap and filled it with the same amount of water and placed it back in the cupboard.  
She finished making their brew and went back upstairs.  
Vanessa was still sleeping as she placed the mugs on the bedside tables and went to the bathroom to scrub her hands. She put a fresh t shirt on and climbed in bed again.

"I brought you a brew sleepy head" she woke Ness with a kiss.

"Mmm thank you."

Charity cuddled into Vanessa "I love you babe, my tiny blonde rocket woman" Charity laughed squeezing Vanessa tighter. She felt the curve of Vanessas back, her skin so soft under her palms as her hands ran over Vanessas body. Charity was quickly losing herself to the sensations beginning to course through her, the desire starting to burn, the anticipation of sweet reward she lunged forward and crashed her lips onto   
Vanessas. Vanessa caught Charity off guard and flipped her so Charity was on her back. Charity gave a sultry laugh and bucked her hips beneath Vanessa. "Charity" said Vanessa softly but firm "drink your brew" and she pulled away.

"Babe what y' doin? You can't get me riled up like that then pull away"

"You got yourself riled up Charity and we've talked about this. I'm not going to be a plaster to stick on your wounds and make you feel better. Sex is like a drug Charity it produces the same euphoric effect and I don't want our intimacy to be something to be chased just to make you feel better."

"So how the fuck are we meant to function as a normal healthy couple? Can we never have sex again without you questioning my motives?"

"Charity stop it, we spoke about this and agreed for now to put sex on hold at least until you've got a little space in your head back. I love you Charity and god knows how much I want to feel you on me and in me but I love you too much to give into my selfish desires. I want the best for you and at the moment I wouldn't be putting your real needs first if I gave in to your desires and mine.

Charitys mood went back to sombre as they heard the sound of small footsteps along the landing. The door opened and Johnny wandered in sleepy eyed, he walked over to the bed and Charity lifted him and placed him in the middle of them. Johnny put his arms around her neck and clung on closing his eyes again as she lay down with Johnny across her chest. Vanessa smiled down at her "see you're his hero Charity, he looks up to you, he feels safe with you, you're his mama!"

Charity smiled, how can such a little boy make someone feel 10 feet tall.

"I'll nip down and prepare their breakfast before I wake Moses. You okay with him there while I get up."

"Course babes. Johnny bobs is helping me think positive thoughts." Johnnys eyes were open again but he was content to lie on Charitys chest having cuddles while she sung made up songs to him softly.

Vanessa made her way downstairs and got the cereal and bowls ready for the boys.  
She opened the cupboard and her eyes fell on Charitys sports bottle. 'I'll fill that now she thought to herself' she had been impressed Charity didn't finish it all last night. As she took the bottle down it felt slightly wet which she thought odd. Vanessa unscrewed the lid and smelt the contents. 'Extremely weak' she thought. She raised it to her lips to test a sip "water?" She was puzzled for a moment then remembered Charity had been up since early and had been in low mood when she'd woken.  
" you are kiddin me" she said to herself, she placed the lid back on and put it back in the cupboard. She will challenge Charity later when the boys had gone to school.

Charity was still singing softly to Johnny when she heard a noise at the door, her eyes fell on the door frame when suddenly Moses jumped into view with a grin from ear to ear. Oh my god she thought does he have to be so dramatic and happy so early in the morning. Moses bounded over to the bed and she lifted him up. He lay down on her chest beside Johnny as she started singing to them both closing her eyes. Moses thought it funny to poke her in the eye.

"Moz pack it in" Moses giggled and poked his finger up her left nostril.

"Moz stop it".

Johnny lifted his head and gave Moses a gentle punch "stop Moz" Johnny told him.   
Moses made a tiny fist and punched him back laughing when Johnny tried to grab him.

"Oi pack it in the pair of you."

Mosed farted which finished him off completely as he exploded into gigles because the noise had made Johnny jump.

"Oh my god it was so peaceful I can't cope with the pair of you."

Vanessas voice carried up the stairs "breakfasts ready."   
Mosed quickly clambered down from the bed and raced to the door, Charity got out of bed and took Johnny in her arms carrying him downstairs while Moses raced ahead himself.

"Morning my beautiful boys" cooed Vanessa kissing them both. She seated Moses at their small table in the lounge as Charity places Johnny in his chair. Vanessa gave them both spoons and their drinks cups and told them no playing with their food. Moses looked up at   
her and nodded like a little cherub.

"I'll go and get dressed while you watch them." Said Vanessa.

"Okay" Charity sat down on the sofa and switched on the TV. Thankfully breakfast proceeded without incident. Once the boys were finished she removed their bowls and proceeded towards the stairs to go up and get dressed.  
Noah bounded down the stairs and grabbed a banana for his breakfast and shot out of the door shouting bye over his shoulder. Charity stood shocked at the whirlwind that had tore through the lounge and called after him "bye..have a good day" but he was already gone.

Vanessa was dressed so she took care of the boys while Charity got ready. Soon they were all on their way out the door.

"You fancy a latte at the cafe? I'll get you a paper and you can do the crossword and chill for a while." Vanessa suggested.

Charity was still in low mood, she grunted which didn't sound like a yes or no to Vanessa so she asked again.

"Can we just go home babe I can't be bothered speaking to anyone."

They made their way home and as they entered Jacobs Fold the post was lying on the floor. Charity picked it up and found a letter addressed to her. She opened it and sighed.  
"What is it?"

"It's my appointment. Monday 10.30 in Hotten Recovery Centre."

"That's great Charity it"s only 4 days away at least you'll feel you're making progress."

Charity huffed and put the letter down.

They went into the kitchen and Charity switched on the kettle. Vanessa took her sports bottle out of the cupboard.

"Right can we talk about this." She said holding it up.

"What about it babe?" 

"Well babe (emphasising the babe) you done really well yesterday not even finishing it all which means you reduced far better than planned. However I was surprised to find earlier on that the small amount left last night has suddenly turned to water this morning. Can you shed any light on that?"

" I'm not a child Ness. It was within my planned daily amount and I didn't have it yesterday so it was ok to have today."

"At 6 in the morning Charity! Are you seriously saying that's okay?"

"What's time babe 6am 6 pm what's the difference. I couldn't sleep, I feel like shit, It was a tiny bit and it just took the edge off. What's the big deal? It was mine to have for yesterday and I think I done okay savng it for today."

"Are you really seriously reasoning that is okay Charity?"

"Ness don't start I know I'm pathetic, a shit mother, a fuck up..in fact why are you still here Ness eh tell me that. Why are you still here? If I'm not good enough, if my reasoning isn't suited to your standards then why stay?"

"Charity I'm not having an argument with you I'm trying to help you."

"Well maybe I'm not worth the effort."

"Charity you are worth so much more. You've been doing so well and your assessment is on Monday you can start counselling and talk to people who understand what you're going through."

Charity made a brew and took hers outside to sit on her bench and smoke.   
Vanessa prepared her allowance for the day thankful that the assesment was so soon. She felt out of her depth and couldn't get her head around Charitys reasoning regarding her early morning antics. Charitys mood was beginning to affect her pulling her down and draining her energy. She needed to be strong for herself, the kids and Charity. Annoyingly Charitys pity party continued for the next few days....

It was Sunday afternoon they had enjoyed, well Vanessa and the boys enjoyed a walk while Charity remained unimpressed with most things.They decided to have a break from cooking so Vanessa popped into the Woolpack to pick up their evening meal Marlon had cooked. It was great to enjoy the perks of having a chef whip up a tasty meal when they fancied a treat and were lazy to cook. She went through the back room Chas was sitting on the sofa flipping through a magazine. 

"Kettles just boiled love if you fancy a brew."

"Oh gosh yeah...it's nice to have a break." whined Vanessa.

Chas smiled.

"How is she love?"

Vanessa scoffs "full of self pity and self loathing, honestly one minute I could cry for her and I just want to hold her until the pain goes away and then the next moment I resent her and want to shake her. Then I feel so guilty for even thinking that because its one thing I always promised her that I'd never hurt her not like others had. She just pushes me and pushes me.  
I don't know maybe shes trying to achieve her own self fufilling prophecy that everyone will hurt her or leave her in the end and then she has her excuse to drink herself to death with no one to interfere. I just can't get her out of the self pity cycle shes in and its driving me insane. I can't wait until tomorrow she has her assessment at the recovery centre at 10.30."

"You need to look after yourself as well. Its extremely difficult loving and living with an addict."

"I know but I also feel partly responsible for this happening."

"No love its her behaviour, her choices, don't let her make you feel guilty."

"Chas I always expect her to be open with me, to talk about stuff but when it comes to me doing the same I shut her out and I know it feeds her insecurities and paranoia.Thats why she goes off and does stupid things. I shouldn't have stayed away so long Chas"

"She's always had that self destructive streak in her but over the years we've managed it as a family so she's never fully gone over the edge although she's come close. Mind you there was..." Chas trailed off suddenly realising she about to over share.

"There was what? Chas if there's something that would be helpful for me to know then say it"

"I don't know love, it was a long time ago and I don't really know what happened."

"What do you know Chas?"

"If I tell you do NOT (emphasising the NOT) mention this to Charity."

"No..I won't, what is it?"

"Years ago she was excommunicated (Vanessa rolled her eyes) she was away for a few years. All I know is Cain got a call, he went to find her and sorted out some blokes she owed money. "

"What blokes? What was she involved in?" asked Vanessa.

"Given the state of her I'd say drugs but he never told us and neither did she, he just brought her back then wouldn't let anyone see her. He didn't go out for a week. He'd be in and out of her room with the bucket, wet towels, paracetamol. She done cold turkey by the noise of her, he cleaned her up and got her back on her feet, thats all I know."

"And she never spoke about it? Or Cain?"

"No the thing is love they always had a weird bond. They'd kill each other but they'd also kill for each other. To be honest I think Cain always felt guilty for what happened when they were just kids. Like he made some promise to himself to always watch her back.  
Me dad used to beat Cain and Obadiah the bastard was the same with Charity. I don't know how much she told you, I know she doesn't do details but that man tortured her and she had no one to help her. At least there was me, Cain and me mum in the house when me dad kicked off but for Charity there was no one. Her and Cain were just messed up kids experimenting with sex and she got pregnant. He didn't know she was pregnant but I think he still felt guilty at what they'd been doing.  
If she's ever in trouble all she has to do is call him and he'll be there regardless of what she's done."

"So after a week what happened?"

"She stuck round for a about a month, put on some weight and got her strength back then disappeared again." Chas shrugged.

"She has told me she used drugs long time ago but she always said she could take them or leave them. That she was in control."

"Maybe she thought she was and it was just Cain who dragged her back and forced her to quit. Maybe if he hadn't of done that her life could have took an even darker turn."

"Yeah" said Vanessa thoughtfully.

"That christmas she decided she'd had enough and took an overdose. Again it was Cain who went to the rescue. He was in contact with her and knew she was still in a bad place, he couldn't get no answer Christmas day, he managed to get hold of one of her associates who told him they'd seen her a few hours earlier and she'd been in a bad way so he insisted I drive him to Bradford as he'd been drinking. She was living in a shared house in 1 room, we found her on the bed she'd washed down a load of painkillers with alcohol. We didn't know it then but she must have been deep in grief about Ryan and Debbie. Plus she'd been held captive by that twat Bails and basically used as a plaything for him and his cronies. No wonder she was so messed up. None of us knew then what we know now. To be honest love I'm not sure I'd be alive myself if I experienced what she did.  
If Cain hadn't of insisted we go there that day she would have died. That's how complicated they are, like I said they'd kill each other but also kill for each other. After that she moved here to Emmerdale and built her dysfunctional life. Cain is still loyal to her but she's not as loyal to him now although if shit really hit the fan she'd have his back."

"Chas why do I not know these things?"

"Because it's in the past love and you know Charity. The past is the past plus she's never even spoken to me about it, I only know bits and pieces. It was a long time ago and not a part of her now, maybe she would tell you if you asked her it's just not something she offers to speak about."

"Hmm" said Vanessa deep in thought. At least she understood more of the complex relationship with Cain. Gosh she even felt gratitude toward him herself whereas she had always seen him as just another complete twat who had hurt Charity. This confirmed with her that she must support Charity in seeking help, she needed counselling to deal with her past once and for all yet she knew Charity was reluctant to face it and she could fully understand why. I mean who would willingly go back to those dark memories but she knew Charity was partially there already trapped in her own head, no wonder she sought ways to escape and in reality Vanessa didn't blame her one bit.

Vanessa sighed "You know...sometimes I think shes the strongest woman I know coming through all she has and still functioning. Then sometimes she's just like a child. Irrational, dramatic, a whirlwind of emotions, a petulant teenager and I'm having to look after her.  
Shes a contradiction, an annoying, amazing, infuriating, wonderful human being but you know what...I am so lucky to be the one to share life with her even though it's bloody difficult at times"

"Not half as lucky as her love" said Chas patting Vanessas hand....


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some ghosts from the past start to surface as Charity begins to come to terms with her past and her substance misuse.
> 
> Feedback appreciated, encouragement goes a long way. 😉

Charity was very quiet during the evening as if something was weighing heavy on her. As they went to bed vanessa decided to try and get her to open up. These days they seemed to do deep conversations in bed. Vanessa thinks its because Charity can avoid eye contact. She seems to respond to Vanessas questions when Vanessa is spooning her and she's facing away.

Charity went through her usual nightly routine in silence, remove make up, shower, brush teeth, moisturise almost robotic before getting into bed.

Vanessa finished fussing in her wardrobe and slipped into bed beside her and moved close to spoon her. Charity was facing away from her which gave Vanessa hope that maybe she wanted to talk.

Whats wrong? You've been very quiet this evening."

"Just tired babe"

"How you feeling about tomorrow?"

"Trying not to think about it."

"But you are thinking about it?........ Is that why youre quiet?"

"Ness...there are some things that will be hard for you to hear. That is if I tell them. I dont know how much Im ready to disclose."

"If its pertinent to the assessment then charity don't hold anything back. This is your opportunity to address your drinking or drug use and finally make peace with the reasons behind it."

"Who said anything about drugs?"

"Charity you told me you had used a few times recently. I know you have some history because you've told me previously. The extent I don't know but it makes no difference to me. You are who you are now and I love you...nothing will change that."

"What if I told you I used hard stuff?"

"Like what? You already admiitted to using crack recently and I didn't run for the hills"

"true"

There was silence for a while so Vanessa decided to open up the conversation and coax a bit more from Charity.

"Did you use opiates?"

Charity sighed and remained silent for a while.

"I dont want to spring any surprises....this was a long time ago Ness and not me anymore... when I was working the streets I got introduced to a drug I didn't know what it was at first but I was assured it would make me feel better and it did. I had some injuries after a punter decided he was just gona take what he wanted. I was out of action until I healed, you dont work looking like that it attracts a certain kind that's best avoided. You don't go to police I mean why would I after what Bails had done, you don't go to hospital because they might inform police or ask too many questions. You find your own painkillers, I was given it, the first few smokes were free, then I had to pay but I was out of action so I got it on tab. The thing is the payback was double bubble which meant I had to go back out on the streets plus do some other jobs to get my tab paid off but I found it hard to function without it so I started using more, only smoking until the smoking had less effect. I always said I'd never inject because those injecting were the lowest of the low. Except it creeps up on you, when smoking only allows you to function but not feel better you seek that feel better feeling again. The gear was like a fluffy blanket being wrapped around me, like a cocoon, like there was no cares in my world. Ness it was so fucking good I wanted it. The best self medicating drug out there it just stopped all the pain physically and emotionally. I never forget the day I first had a hit, another girl in the house did it for me because I couldn't. It was amazing and I just wanted to be in that place again and again so my use crept up and I learnt how to do it myself. Eventually I owed money to some nasty blokes and they called the debt in they were fed up being fobbed off. I called someone for help and they came sorted out the debt and took me home. I done cold turkey probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, it wasn't nice.

But I was lucky, I got off it and never went back, took other stuff but never went back to that. There were others who never made it, never got of it and it killed them.

"Charity...are we talking heroin here?"

"Heroin, smack, brown, gear whatever name you want to give it. I got off it Ness and never went back. I was stupid and naive but I got out, I stopped and didn't go back."

It sounds like you carry a lot of shame about it"

"Well it's not my finest phase but then there's so many fuck ups, failings and bad decisions but yeah I feel really ashamed of that one. I didn't ever want to tell you that."

"Charity it was circumstances that led you down that road. As a child that was not your goal or your dream to end up working the streets with a habit (Vanessa was choosing her words wisely)."

"Oh come of it Ness say it as it is a prostitute junkie." Charity spat the words out her self loathing rising to the surface and visible to Vanessas eye. Charity closed her eyes.

"All I wanted to be when I grew up was a princess" Charity sobbed. "When mum was gone and dad hated me I dreamt of being a princess that everyone loved...how stupid and pathetic."

"No Charity not stupid and pathetic, you were a child desperate to be loved."

Charity moved her arm to cover her face and cried.

"Charity look at me" she caught hold of Charitys hip and rolled her to turn and look at her. Vanessa tried to make eye contact but Charity could not. "Charity look at me...look at me Charity." Vanessa was firm in her tone, she moved across so she was straddling Charity her body covering hers as she again instructed Charity "look at me."and removed her arm from her face. Vanessa could see the tears from Charitys eyes rolling down the side of her face like the rain runs down a pane of glass. Vanessas heart nearly burst as she saw how deep the pain and shame went . She didn't move but cupped Charitys cheek with her hand and implored her to look in her eyes. "I love you Charity Dingle and nothing will ever change that.....look at me. I know you find it difficult to love yourself and to believe that some one else could love you but I do Charity. I really stupidly and completely love you regardless of what has gone on before I love you now."  
Charity finally dared a flicker of eye contact. Vanessa stayed put until she dared again and again until finally Charity was able to lock eyes with her and Vanessa caught a glimpse of her damaged soul as Charity broke into a million pieces beneath her. "It's okay I've got you, I've got you."

"I never wanted to tell you that Ness, your'e too good for me." Charity cried.

"Stop it Charity you are good enough."

"Ask anyone babe they'll all tell you the same. You're too good for me. I know and I know they know and I live with that everyday. The best of it is they don't even know about my drinking or that I was a smackhead years ago. How much more would they judge me? 

"I went back to Bradford, hated myself so much during that time."

Charity composed herself and continued..

"It was a bad year for me that year and even though I'd got of the gear it still left me in a bad place mentally. I was drinking to numb the pain and fill the gap that the drugs left.

Christmas was a really difficult time. I missed Debbie and my baby boy, at the time I thought he was dead, all I knew was pain and hurt. I kept locked inside all the stuff about Bails and what him and his mates had done, then there was a few scrapes working the streets and I couldn't go on. I felt there was nothing more for me, that no one cared and I was better off not being here. It was christmas day and I remember waking up in my room. I was squatting in a house in Bradford with two other users. I'd been robbed, the little I had was gone along with my shitty phone which was my only contact with some family members although the most of them didn't want to know me.

I put my little pocket radio on which I'd kept under my pillow and there was   
Christmas carols and they seemed to exacerbate the loneliness I felt inside. I'd been invited to the mission hall for christmas dinner. It was run by the church, nice of them but I didnt want their pity or their judgemental looks so I decided I'd rather spend it alone.  
There's nothing so sad as walking in the snow families passing by full of christmas joy. If they even did acknowledge you it was to pull their kids away as if you were going to harm or contaminate them if they came close. Pitying eyes, judgemental eyes, disgusted eyes and that year I'd hit rock bottom. I'd experienced how depraved humankind was after what I'd been through and that morning I'd taken a few punters. I mean christmas day Ness (Charity laughs) one was a man of the cloth another a married man on his way to pick up his in laws and yet people looked at me in judgement! They judged me...and they still judge me.

I made my way back to the house and sat on my bed with a bottle of vodka feeling the lowest I'd ever felt before. I hated myself, I hated my life and the only way to make it stop was to end it myself. That was one thing I could control, how it ends.  
I took painkillers I bought on the street and washed them down with vodka. I remember as I lay there waiting for the end to come I remember feeling a strange happiness, I mean how fucked up was that?  
Anyway I woke up in hospital, didn't quite go as planned good job eh or else I wouldn't be lying here with you."

"You never know how your life is going to change so you have to hold on and never ever give up. You're amazing Charity."

Vanessa cupped her face again and kissed her tenderly.

"I'm sorry that you had to go through that and the more you let me in and the more you reveal of yourself only makes me love you deeper if thats possible! I can't ever take those experiences away and I can't take the pain away but I know that our future will be filled with love and I that while I live and breathe you will never be alone again."

Charity broke as she heard Vanessas words, Vanessa held her tightly.

After some time her sob subsided only an involuntary gasping and shuddering of breath remained. Vanessa stayed silent simply holding her until it passed. Finally Charity gained control of her breathing and after a particularly long sigh the gasping stopped and Vanessa continued to hold her.

They lay in silence for a while before Charity continued to speak.

"I can't remember her Ness...my mum, not really. I remember some things like her singing to me to get me to sleep. It was always tense at home, my dad he always raged I can't remember him ever being happy. Mum used to take me to visit relatives of my dads and she was happy then. They had boys older than me and a daughter who was near my age. Me and Ria were cousins but like best friends. Yeah I remember mum was happy then... maybe because she got away from my dad for the day.

I can't remember when she went. It was sudden and dad said it was cancer and I don't know why I didn't think it was weird that I wasn't at the funeral. Maybe I blocked it out, I couldn't question him back then or he'd take his belt off and make me undress to feel his belt on my skin. I didn't dare question him."

Vanessa listened in silence tears escaping her eyes as she thought of Charity as a child having her mother taken and her fathers physical abuse. She wished the world could know the woman she knows, how strong, how beautiful, how fragile she is but instead they see a conniving, scheming, selfish, bitter cow who takes pleasure in destroying others but thats not the real truth. The real truth is that Charity strikes before others can strike her, she has been programmed over the years to protect herself by keeping others out, using false bravado for the illusion of coolness while inside crying and as hurt as the day her mother suddenly vanished. Vanessa wanted to punch all those who have slagged her off, hurt her, used her, ignored her cries for help and generally bad mouthed her which lets face it is most people. If they knew the extent of brokeness and pain she had suffered they would hang their own heads in shame.

"Ria was the one who gave me my first hit in the house we lived in...well squatted in.  
She had ran away from home after her mum died and one of her brothers had done something to her. She told her dad but he told her to keep quiet and not make trouble with her lies. I ran into her in Bradford after I'd ran from the hospital back to the streets. I'd stayed with a mate for a while but she couldn't keep me there so I ended up back on the streets looking for digs. When I found Ria I was so happy...sad for her because of what happened but she had changed...was colder, harder and not so much fun anymore. Her time on the game had broken her.  
The day I left that house was the last time I saw her."

"Did Ria make it?"

"She did (Charity smiled) I found her recently."

"Is that who you met up with?"

"What?"

"The old friend you met up with and smoked crack while I was away."

"Oh god no! I haven't seen her since I was in Bradford."

"What do you mean you found her then?"

"I didn't find her exactly...I found her daughter on facebook. I found a Gypsy Dingle (Charity laughed) living in Ireland, she's a horse dealer. There were pictures and posts Ria was in them. She looks well."

"Hmm breaking tradition not a very biblical name, did you contact her?"

"No the past is the past Ness and I'm guessing Ria won't want to see me and be reminded of it."

"Maybe she would if she's changed...maybe she wonders about you..she is your cousin after all. Doesn't Chas or any of them keep in touch with her?"

"No they didn't associate with that branch of the family. Ezra (her dad, my dads brother) was excommunicated years ago. They never bothered with the family again"

"Gosh Charity I can't keep track of all your family."

"Most of them are second or third cousins its not important babe."

"So you've been thinking about Ria?"

"Just with all this recent stuff with me I was thinking about my past and the drug use. I wondered did she make it...I'm glad she did."

Vanessa kissed Charity as Charity pulled her in tighter and yawned.

"Let's sleep now babe...and thank you for loving me."

"And thank you for loving me, for letting me in and for trusting me."

"I've never trusted anyone before...but you, you make it so easy and you still continue to love me."

Vanessa drew her in even closer.

"It's you and me kid against the world." Charity laughed signalling the end of the conversation with her humor.


	21. Chapter 21

Morning came too quickly for Charitys liking however the light kisses that had brought her to conciousness were very welcome indeed.

"How long have you been awake babe?" Her voice gravelly with sleep.

"Not long. I woke before the alarm and turned it off, thought you'd prefer a gentler wake up call."

"Oh yeah much better babe."

Charity stretched and turned her body into Vanessas more. She lazily stretched again making a variety of unintelligible noises and burying her face in Vanessas neck snuggling deeper.  
Vanessa smiled as she played with Charitys hair. 

"10 minutes more babes." Pleaded Charity. Vanessa laughed glad that they were stealing some bonus cuddle time.

After a few minutes they heard the sound of small footsteps across the landing. Johnny pushed the door open and toddled in, his arms outstretched to be lifted on the bed. Vanessa used her free arm to assist him while he scrambled up and wriggled between them.  
The three of them enjoyed cuddles before Vanessa peeled herself away to go and wake Moses.

Charity lay with Johnny in her arms listening to the voices of Vanessa and Moses drifting across the landing. Charity laughed to herself at how Moses instantly starts endless chatting when his eyes open, Johnny however was content in silence she never ceased to marvel at how different they were but yet how well they got on together. She melted at Vanessas patience when Moses would follow Vanessa around asking questions about everything she was doing, Vanessa always took time to explain. She could hear him now

"Mummy Ness why do that pillow?"

"I'm making it fluffy again because it goes flat when you sleep on it..see."

"I help?"

"Of course Moz...there you have a go."

Charity could hear Moses plumping the pillows and laughing with delight. She could hear him running around the room and Vanessa laughing as he plumped up his teddys.

"Sleep" he ordered his teddys.

"Come on Moz lets go get mummy up."

Moses let out an exaggerated mischevious laugh. He knew the drill, charity and Johnny would be peacefully sleeping or resting and him and mummy Ness will creep in and ambush them. As Charity heard the ambush on the way she pulled Johnny tighter and closed her eyes pretending to be asleep. Moses and Vanessa pounced onto the bed and both boys squealed with delight as they were set upon with kisses, cuddles and tickles.  
Charity and Vanessa loved mornings like this together with their boys.  
They heard Noah go into the bathroom and the shower being switched on. Both Vanessa and Charity exchanged confused and shocked expressions then laughed.

"Must have a girl or a boy to impress!" Whispered Vanessa as trying to get Noah to take a shower was usually a lengthy process which included bribery and planning.

"Ok who is doing breakfast and who is doing dressing?"

"Mummy Charity breakfast" chimed the boys.

Charity beamed..."what can I say babe they prefer my breakfast to yours."

"Only because you give them frosties instead of a more healthy option."

"Oh babe what kid eats muesli? Eurgh.." Charity made a gagging motion. The boys laughed.

"Charity" came Vanessas light hearted warning tone.

"Okay promise I'll cut up a banana too." Charity replied pulling a face but planting a kiss on Vanessas cheek.

Charity flounced out the room wrapping her house coat round her as she went. 

"Who you trying to impress Noah? Got a love interest?" She shouted on the way past the bathroom laughing.

Vanessa dressed the boys for school without any distress. She preferred to make it a game which they responded to so much easier, with Charity dressing them it's usually more of a battle than a game even if she tries to turn it into play. Vanessa chuckled to herself as thoughts of previous mornings and battles popped into her mind. Usually she stood at the bottom of the stairs listening, laughing before shouting the boys for breakfast to bring them back into line.

Charity had the cereal out and the banana cut. She had made a brew for her and Vanessa and had nipped out the back for a smoke.

"Where's mummy Charity?" Johnny asked.

"Just getting some fresh air love." Vanessa answered.

"I want fresh air."

"Eat your breakfast Johnny, mummy Charity will be back in soon."

The boys started eating, Vanessa was thankful Charity hadn't put the milk on the frosties yet, she limited the amount so the boys wouldn't drip it over themselves but the frosties would soak the milk in, less mess.

Charity came back inside and went straight up to the bathroom to get showered and dressed.  
She came back downstairs to find Vanessa had already got the boys coats on and was ready to leave.

"How come you get to look hot and smell georgous when we take the boys to nursery and I've got my hair in a greasy pony with yesterdays clothes on?" asked Vanessa.

"Babe you're a vet and I'm landlady of the local establishment. No one looks twice if you're smelly and mucky looking it's to be expected."

Vanessa huffed in mock protest as they ushered the boys out the door and walked them to nursery.

The walk was pleasant, Vanessa loved the mornings they both took them to nursery, the boys excited chatter and in plenty of time so they can stop along the way when something is of interest to them. Moses loved seeing the birds, Vanessa could name them all, Charity laughed at Vanessas teachers tone and her heart swelled listening and watching her interaction with them. Usually when Charity takes them alone she's dragging them along late missing opportunity to teach them. Not that she knew about birds..doing bird maybe she laughed to herself. 

"What's funny?" asked Vanessa.

"Just marvelling at you teaching them about birds and thinking I could only teach them about doing bird" Charity laughed.

Vanessa just looked at her.

"Sorry...inappropriate"

"Yeah just a bit Charity...you know I wish you would realise just how much you have to offer and how much you can teach them. You are more than your past failings..stop putting yourself down with self deprecating humor you're worth so much more."

"Bit heavy babe for early morning" Charity nudged Vanessa with her elbow indicating she had heard her and noted her words.

They dropped the boys at the school and started to make their way back home.

"You want to pop in for a latte babe? asked Charity.

"Look at the state of me Charity, it's fine for you all showered and glowing. I've got to shower yet before we go into Hotten."

"We've got hours to go babe and you look and smell georgous to me." Charity whined into Vanessas neck nibbling at her as they carried on walking.

"Okay you want a paper to do the crossword?"

"No I'd rather gaze at you babe with your sexy sweaty ponytail" Charity laughed finding herself hilarious.  
Vanessa was not as amused but was glad to see that last nights chat seemed to have lifted the oppressive mood that had weighed Charity down for days.   
Vanessa suddenly realised she hadn't seen this Charity since before her cancer. How subtle changes can be before they render something unrecognisable. Vanessa stopped in her tracks, Charity stopped and turned to her and in that moment Vanessa thought she had never seen someone quite so beautiful in all her life.   
"Babe what's up?" Charity cocked her head to one side.   
"You're so beautiful Charity" said Vanessa with such sincerity that Charity was stunned by her words. She soon regained composure and laughed "I know babe"

"No Charity you don't know...you really don't. I'm not just talking about your face or your body but you. You as in all of you, your heart, your mind, your soul you're so beautiful and in that moment I just saw it again. I hadn't seen it since before the cancer"

Charity didn't know what to say so she stepped forward cupping Vanessas cheeks and kissed her softly and slowly standing in the middle of the road. If this had of been a movie the orchestra would kick in playing a symphony. The kiss took both their breath away.

"It's like when we first kissed" whispered Charity.

"Before the trials of life clouded everything...Charity let's make a promise to never forget this moment. No matter what happens we never let anything cloud our relationship, we face it together and be honest with each other."

Charity smiled and cupped Vanessas face again kissing her again with depth and sincerity.

"Nice to see you two so loved up again" shouts Chas. Charity and Vanessa broke the kiss but Charity pulled her close into a tight hug as Chas walked towards them.

"How you doing love?" she asked Charity.

"Well todays a good day and hopefully this afternoon I'll feel even better" Charity smiled.

"Good for you love, you're looking much better anyway" Chas reached out and rubbed Charitys arm.

"Thanks Chas, ...your support...it means a lot" Charity said shyly. Vanessa smiled at the exchange.

"Let me know how it goes"

"Will do"

They entered the cafe, Vanessa sat down on the sofa while Charity ordered bringing back two lattes and sitting down at an angle next to her their knees touching.

"So you still feeling positive about todays assessment?"

"Yeah...I'm going to be honest about my drinking. I really want this Ness, I want us, I want to be a mother to our kids, I want to fix whats broken in me. I love you so much Ness thanks for sticking by me"

"For better or for worse in sickness and in health even though we haven't officially exchanged our vows love is the same thing, commitment. I love you so much Charity you truly are amazing" vanessa leaned in and their lips met softly.


	22. Chapter 22

Returning to Jacobs Fold Vanessa went straight up to shower and get ready. Charity went out back with her sports bottle and lit up a smoke. She'd reduced 100ml and was feeling confident that she decide she wanted to drop another 100ml the next day. If she did experience any symptoms she could always top up. She wanted this over as soon as possible. She was starting to feel nervous about her appointment but at least it would be over her in a few hours.

Vanessa opened the back door "you ready?"

Charity nodded and stood up going inside to wash her hands and brush her teeth.  
Soon they were headed out the door and towards Hotten in Vanessas little beetle.  
Charity was quiet, vanessa drove with her hand on Charitys knee only removing it to change gear or to turn.  
Parking was easy and thankfully the reception at the centre was empty.  
Charity walked up to the reception office.

"Hi I have an appointment 10.30"

The woman looked up and smiled "Charity Dingle?"

"Yes"

"I have to say that's an incredible name..I love it!"

"Well I've had some reactions not all as positive as that" Charity laughed nervously.

"Take a seat Nikki will be going through your assessment with you. She shouldn't be long. Would you like a tea or coffee?"

"No thanks I'm fine"

Charity sat down next to Vanessa catching hold of her hand as she did so. Vanessa squeezed Charitys hand in response.

Suddenly the door opened and a woman stepped out. She was probably mid to late forties, attractive brunette and looked friendly enough. She looked at Charity and Vanessa walking towards them.

"Charity?"

"Hi yes that's me, this is Vanessa my fiancee. Is it okay for her to come in, I'd prefer if she were with me"

"Yes course, that's more than fine, good to see you have support." She smiled at Vanessa "I'm Nikki...you want to come through?"

They walked through to a private room. The room was comfortable and welcoming with a large comfy leather sofa and single armchair. Nikki took the armchair while Charity and Vanessa sat on the sofa.

"Just some questions to go through Charity. It's up to you how honest you want to be but from experience I can say the more honest you are the more successful your recovery"

Charitys mouth was dry and her heart pounding but she found herself warming to Nikki. It was more like an informal chat and Charity felt no judgement, she was open about her past drug use, her recent flirtations with crack again and her alcohol consumption. It was easy to talk to Nikki like she just got it and understood. Vanessa remained quiet holding Charitys hand desperate not to let tears well up in her eyes at relief, pride, love she really couldn't pinpoint the emotion there were so many.

"So we've completed the assessment part and I have to say well done you were very honest there and thats a huge step in recovery. The model we use here is based on the minnesota 12 step model for recovery. You will be assigned a counselor for 1 to 1 sessions and who will oversee your general well being in the service. As well as 1 to 1 sessions we also do group work which is hugely recommended as it helps to know you're not the only one and members can inspire one another in their journey.  
There's also family groups which you can attend Vanessa and the children because addiction affects not only the individual but the whole family unit. There are sessions you can attend with Charity and some only you and the children will attend. It's up to you.

So that's about it for now as I know it's a lot of information to take in so I don't want to over do it this meeting.  
I'm not sure who will be assigned as your counsellor yet usually we meet for allocations on Monday mornings but I think it would be good to get you in as soon as possible, I'll have a word with my manager.

I'll show you the facilities and give you some leaflets explaining all the sessions we do.  
There's also a leafelet with AA and NA local meetings so there's always a support meeting somewhere morning afternoon and evenings that you can go to if you're really finding it difficult.

There's no judgement here Charity most staff are in recovery and have started off where you are now. I'm 7 years clean now and asking for help was the best thing I ever done, my life has changed completely. You can do this Charity." 

They toured the building and both Vanessa and Charity were impressed at the work they do. There's music classes, recovery choir, recovery walks, cooking and art to name a few. As they left Charity felt positive her spirits lifting at being in a positive environment, her eyes scanned the walls reading the inspirational quotes. It's odd because she always used to find them cheesy but now they seemed to give her hope. They said their goodbyes to Nikki and left the centre with plenty of leaflets to read through.

"Well...what do you think?" asked Vanessa.

"It was easier than I thought, I liked Nikki she understood I think it helps because she's been there herself. I'm happy Ness, I feel good."

Charity took hold of Vanessas hand as they walked back to the car. When they reached the little beetle Charity faced Vanessa and took her other hand  
"thanks Ness for coming, for believing in me and for your constant unwavering love. I couldn't have done this without you."  
Vanessa smiled as she kissed Charity "come on lets get back home."

Charitys mobile rang and she fished it out of her pocket.

"It's er..the surgery"

Vanessa continued driving while listening in to Charitys side of the conversation. When Charity hung up Vanessa wanted to know the details.

" What did they want?"

"My results are in Manpreet has a cancellation at 2:30 she's asked that I go in and see her."

"Couldn't she just tell you over the phone?"

"That was reception, maybe Manpreet has surgery. I think its standard procedure that you go in or maybe she justs wants to catch up and see how I've been...I don't know."

"I'll ask Tracey can she have the boys."

Vanessa put her hand on Charitys knee the rest of the journey Charity was quiet.

Back at Jacobs Fold Vanessa put the kettle on as Charity went out back on her bench. Vanessa could sense Charity was worried, she called Tracey but she was unable to have the boys.  
Vanessa joined Charity outside "Tracey can't have the boys."

"It's okay babes I can just nip over myself I'll be quick."

"No I'll see if Rhona can have them."

"Babe Rhona's been covering your work, she's suspicious as it is that somethings going on. It's fine Ness I won't be long, I'm a big girl I can go alone. Todays assessment was the one that worried me but turns out that was easy lol."


	23. Chapter 23

Charity was in the waiting room at the surgery, she was feeling quite anxious and wondering why Manpreet couldn't tell her over the phone.

Charitys name was called.

Even though her name was buzzed she still knocked on Manpreets door.

"Come in Charity"

"Hi you wanted to see me about my results?"

"Yes..please...take a seat."

"Is everything okay?" Charity asked nervously.

"Charity your liver is showing some scarring and you have what is known as an ARLD alcohol related liver disease called fatty liver."

"Fatty liver?" Charity laughed more from nerves "what does that mean?"

"It means your alcohol consumption has started to negatively impact on your health."

"Is it serious? Can it be treated?" Charity started to panic.

"Calm down Charity it is reversible. You must understand though that if you continue to drink it can develop into alcoholic hepatitis and then onto cirrhosis. The important thing is you have been diagnosed at a stage where it can be reversed. Have you been reducing like we discussed?"

"Yeah I'm down 100ml already and holding okay."

"That's good. You can continue to reduce as you have been or we could look at a librium detox. You had your appointment at the recovery centre today how did it go?"

"Really good I'm feeling positive about it. I'm happy to reduce as I am, its been working well and I'd rather do it natural."

"Okay if you feel that is working best for you then continue with it. I'd like to see you in a months time, earlier if you feel the need. Other than that I hope it all goes well with your recovery programme."

"Yeah thanks"

Charity left the surgery feeling sick and panicky, her palms were sweating. Her mind was reeling and racing. She composed herself before returning to Jacobs Fold.

"Hey how did it go?" Asked Vanessa

"Yeah fine no problems, she just wanted to check in with me to see how my appointment went at the recovery centre. She asked for me to go in a months time to see her."

"Your liver function was clear?"

"Yep all okay"

"Thats brilliant Charity" Vanessa hugged her "I've done a stew for tea"

"Okay I'll just nip out the back first"

Vanessa was busy with the boys, Charity took her smokes and her sports bottle and went out back. Once outside she unscrewed the lid and poured the contents down the drain choking back tears as she did so. She lit up a smoke and sat staring at nothing. I can do this she thought to herself, I'm not going to touch another drop. She finished her smoke and went back inside. Vanessa was still interacting with the boys, Charity quickly filled her sports bottle with water and went upstairs.

"Tea's ready Charity"

"Yeah I'll be back down in a sec"

Charity came back down, vanessa had the boys at their little table with their bowls of stew (more potato than stew mashed together). She'd put a bowl out for Charity and herself with some crusty bread.

"You okay?" She asked

"Yeah, I don't feel that hungry babe" truth was Charity didn't think she'd get any food past the lump that seemed lodged in her throat. She picked at the stew but couldn't manage any bread.

After dinner they watched some tv with the boys before taking them up for a bath and bed both of them sleeping before the story was finished. Charity and Vanessa kissed them both and went back downstairs.  
Vanessa noticed Charity seemed restless but let it go although she suspected something was bothering her.

Charity stood at the sink washing up the dishes. Vanessa moved to stand beside her to dry up, they done the dishes in silence Vanessa knew something was definately wrong.

"Okay let's talk about it" she said to Charity.

"There's nothing to talk about babe" said Charity frantically scrubbing the bowl she held tightly.

"Charity what is it? Look at me...you're sweating"

"It's hot here"

"No it's not...show me your hands"

"Babe no just leave it" Charity kept her hands in the water.

"Show me" said Vanessa taking hold of Charitys wrists.

Charity held out her hands. 

"Charity you have slight tremors"

"Babe I'm okay just leave it"

"Charity what's wrong? It looks like withdrawals to me...when did you last have a drink?"

Charity sighed "about 10 hours ago but I can do this Ness, I don't need it."

"I thought we agreed you'd do this properly and reduce every 3 days. What happened at the surgery today?"

Charitys eyes welled up and her voice broke "I've got scarring on my liver, I have fatty liver. It's reversible but I have to stop drinking. The next stage is alcoholic hepatitis then cirrhosis. If I stop now it will be okay."

"But you can't just stop immediately, what if your brain goes into shock and you have seizures? 

"I won't, I might have temors and look they're only slight, feel sick, have dry retches, sweat and feel anxious but it will pass. I'm doing this Ness, you're not going to talk me out of it. If it gets too bad which it won't I'll tell you. 24-72 hours I should peak then. I've done this before it will be fine."

"Charity you haven't done this before. If you're talking about going cold turkey from heroin it's completely different. Alcohol is far more dangerous I've done the research."

"Research? Research?..I didn't tell you about it so you could go and check it out and read over the gory details, that's the past Ness and you don't need to be researching it!" Charity shouted.

"I didn't specifically go researching heroin withdrawal I was looking at alcohol withdrawal and it said that alcohol was more dangerous due to the effects on the nervous system. I read up on these things Charity because I want to support you in the best way I can and that means educating myself.  
Look if this is what you want to do and I fully understand why because of your diagnosis then I'll support you in your decision. However there has to be some ground rules and that is if at any time I think there's a possibility of you having a seizure then you take a drink enough to get you through."

Charity nodded and spoke quietly "thanks Ness...it's not going to be pretty just to warn you . It's going to be hard to watch so if you'd prefer I could ask Chas to stay with me and you take the kids and stay at Traceys for a couple of nights."

"No Charity I will be here for you, the kids are sleeping they'll be okay tonight, can you call Chas and ask her if she's able to come over early morning so I can take the boys to nursery if not I'll have to ask Tracey or Rhona to take them but they'll ask questions. We can ask Chas to have them over at the Woolie tomorrow night."

"Babe can you call her I can't talk much right now and she's going to want to know the details." Charity turned her back to Vanessa her hand went to her stomach pain flashed across her face as she bent over slightly before straightening up again. 

"I'm going outside" and with that she disappeared through the back door. 

Vanessa called Chas and explained the situation, she was stunned at the response. Chas said she would come over as soon as she closed the pub for the night and would stay with them, Vanessa was secretly glad of the support as she didn't really know what to expect and having someone with her gave her confidence. Chas assured her she had been through it a number of times with her dad so she had a good idea what the next few days would entail. It also made more sense to have another person there if the boys woke up tonight at least they could be shielded from seeing Charity unwell.

Vanessa went outside, Charity was sitting on the bench head in her hands.

"How you feeling?"

"Shit"

"Chas is coming over as soon as she's locked up and she's staying over, it makes sense, at least if the boys wake up I can deal with them and they won't see anything. Chas said she's been through it with her dad so she knows what to expect. Charity she cares about you and I think its good to have the extra support."

Charity stood to her feet and began walking back and for slowly.

"Why don't you come in and get settled for the night?"

"I want a smoke but I feel sick, god Ness my skin is crawling so fucking itchy" Charity wiped the beads of sweat on her brow.

"Charity are you sure you want to put yourself through this? Why don't we just stick to tapering down it's safer and you don't have to go through this."

"No Ness I'm doing this. Maybe it's what I need to never want to go through it again. Worked with the gear didn't it" she scoffed.

Charity lit a smoke and immediately started dry wretching. Vanessa was quickly by her side "please Ness just leave me" Charity turned her back and carried on smoking between heaves "it's just part of it" she said over her shoulder.

Vanessa went back inside she felt useless and out of her depth. Her phone rang she looked at the screen relieved to see Chas's name.

"Chas" she breathed 

"How's it going?"

"Chas I don't know what to do. She's pacing saying her skin is crawling, she's wretching but nothings coming up and she won't let me comfort her, I feel so useless" Vanessa held back her tears.

" okay love I'll come as soon as I can. Just leave her to it but be there if you know what I mean. She'll want you there but no fussing she's best just getting on with it herself. Be warned she will turn on you but don't take it personal she will be going through hell. Oh and Vanessa be prepared it will get worse before it gets better."

"Thanks Chas"

"Where's Noah and the boys?"

"The boys are sleeping and Noahs staying at Wishing Well with Samson, he doesn't know it was just fortunate he had planned to stay there tonight. I'll tell him tomorrow and he can stay at wishing well until she's through it."

Vanessa kept herself occupied in the kitchen, Charity was constantly flicking through the channels on the tv unable to settle on any particular channel. Every so often Vanessa would see her from her peripheral vision doubled over clutching her stomach. Vanessa had tried to pursuade her to go to bed unsuccessfully and had been met with a mixture of expletives and crying so she just left her. She desperately wanted to help her, hold her through the hell she was in but she held herself back remembering Chas's advice. No fussing. Gosh this is so fucking hard to watch she thought fighting back tears.

The clocked ticked on and finally Vanessa heard the door open and Chas walked in.

"Hiya you want a brew?" Vanessa asked trying to sound normal yet feeling anything but normal.

Chas smiled "Not just yet love probably best to get this one sorted first. Right come on Charity lets get you into bed. Ive got sugary drinks for you, I'll grab a bowl in case you're sick and some flannels to soak if.... well not if but when you have the sweats."

"Chas don't be coming in all bossy I'm not in the fucking mood, I feel like shit just leave me alone" Charitys breath was ragged due to the cramps she was having, sweat glistened on her forehead.

Chas steeled her eyes at Charity and spoke in low tone firmly but fiercely " Charity you want to do this then yes we do it but you don't get to call all the shots. I'm giving you 1 minute to drag your sweaty arse off that sofa and get up them stairs or else I'll drag you up there by your hair..understand."

Vanessa winced recalling the time Charity threatened to drag her through the bar by her hair reminding her how coarse the Dingles can be.

"Piss off Chas"

Chas rounded the sofa and stood above Charity who looked like she was cowering by this time. Charity knew Chas wouldn't take any shit and she'd been on the rough end of many scraps with Chas.

"Upstairs now"

Chas grabbed her arm and helped her to her feet Charity showed no resistance as she was almost frog marched up the stairs. Vanessa's eyes were wide with shock and her mouth hung open.

"Vanessa bring a sick bowl, some flannels and that bag I've brought" Chas instructed as she marched Charity up the stairs.

Vanessa joined them in the bedroom with the items Chas requested. Charity was sitting on the bed whimpering and groaning while Chas got her ready for bed.

"Can you find some light pjamas" Chas asked Vanessa as she pulled Charitys jumper over her head.

"No I don't want anything on my skin it"s itchy" Charity whined.

"What so you're just going to lay there in your underwear?" Asked Chas squatting down in front of her.

"No I don't want my bra on it's irritating me" Charity stood up and leaned on Chas's shoulder as she helped her out of her jeans.

"Well I'm not sitting here watching your mamas swing about..can you find a vest top Vanessa" Chas sighed "and keep your knickers on Charity I don't want to see your foof neither...save that for Vanessa" Chas looked up and winked at Vanessa.

In the midst of the awful circumstances Vanessa couldn't help but smirk at the exchange. She had never seen Chas like a mother speaking to Charity like she was her child before and Charity although reluctant not offering much resistance because she knew it was futile and she really didn't have the energy. Although Chas's words were tough she handled Charity with care and a degree of patience. Vanessa felt so much gratitude, Chas was so confident and took no messing Vanessa knew there was no way she could have handled this alone.

They got Charity into bed, she was sweating, shivering and moaning caught up in her own hell and unable to escape.

"Remember Charity it will pass, you just got to ride it out. We'll be right here you got to just suck it up, you got through the last hour you can get through the next" Chas pulled the duvet over Charity who lay still groaning into the pillow.

"I think I'll have have that brew now love" smiled Chas.

"Sure" Vanessa smiled back "you want some toast or anything?"

"No just the brew thanks." She then mouthed silently "don't even ask" shaking and nodding her head in Charitys direction. Vanessa laughed quietly.

She went down and returned short time later with 2 mugs of hot tea. She checked in on the boys they were fast asleep. Chas was sitting on the bedroom floor against the wardobe, Charity was whimpering inbetween groans. Suddenly she started kicking to get the duvet off her. Chas rolled her eyes as she reached for the mug from Vanessa.

"Why don't you go get some sleep love you need to be up with the boys in the morning. I'll watch her and if I get sleepy I'll come wake you."

"I'm not sleepy and I don't want to leave it all to you. Give me a hand and I'll bring the mattress from Sarahs old room in here we can take turns sleeping"

They brought the mattress through and Vanessa put a sheet on and bedding, at least they'd be comfortable while resting. 

Charity was tossing and turning swearing under her breath that she was too hot. Vanessa brought a bowl and flannel, soaking the flannel and placing it on Charitys forehead. Charity cried and then seemed to settle again.

"I'm sorry babes" she mumbled.

"Don't worry just get through it" Vanessa gently moved a few strands of hair back that were stuck to Charitys face. She was soaked with sweat. Vanessa got a dry vest top for her and a large towel for her to lay on as the sheets were wet with sweat.

Vanessa sat down next to Chas and sighed.

"Might be an idea to lay down and rest yourself while she's quiet, I'll keep watch."

"Thanks Chas..I don't think I could have done this without you."

"Well she's more like me sister than me cousin...and I care about her a lot" sighed Chas looking in Charitys direction "she's been through so much..."

Vanessa lay down and pulled the duvet over herself, she fell asleep faster than she thought she would.

Chas sat in the quietness, the lamp beside the bed giving a soft low light, she felt sleepy but knew she couldn't sleep so she dimmed the brightness on her phone and distracted herself browsing.

Around 30 minutes pass when she was jolted by a blood curdling scream. Vanessa sprang awake, Charity had wedged herself against the headboard of the bed and was digging her heels into the mattress as if trying to scramble away from something. A petrified expression on her face, Vanessa jumped up and tried to get to her to comfort her but Charity kicked and punched lashing out arms and legs. She caught Vanessa with a kick to her shoulder. Chas threw herself on her from the side and pinned Charity down on her side

"Charity it's okay it's Chas, Vanessa is here, you're dreaming, you're okay, you're okay."

Vanessa had gone to the other side of the bed so she was in Charitys view. Charity was gasping, fear written on every inch of her face until slowly recognition crept into her haunted eyes. 

"Charity I'm here it's just a dream."

"It was him Ness I could feel him."

"A nightmare Charity" Vanessa cupped her face as she broke down in sobs. Chas quickly went to check the boys, thankfully they had slept through it. She came back to the bedroom Charity was sat on the edge of the bed having a fit of dry heaves.

"Hey you're back with us" she said rubbing Charitys arm. "You okay Vanessa?"

Vanessa looked up at Chas and nodded tears in her eyes.

"I want a shower" Charity said her arms wrapped around her stomach."

Vanessa took her into the shower and undressed her. She washed her hair and her body and dried her off. Charity said nothing but was compliant allowing Vanessa to care for her. They went back into the bedroom Chas had changed the bedsheets and had opened the window to let some fresh air in. The stench of sweat and toxins had abated only slightly, Chas closed the window again.  
Vanessa guided Charity back to bed, she lay down completely exhausted.

"I'm so tired Ness but I don't want to sleep, I don't want to see him again."

"We're here Charity, me and Chas will stay right beside you, this isn't going to last long, you done so well, just lay quietly I'll hold your hand. Don't be scared I'm right here, what you might see is not real..do you trust me?"

"Yes...I just want it to be over"

"I know and it will be, you may have peaked already or this could be it, you might have another 24 hours. I don't know when it will end but I do know you're strong, you've done it this far you can see it through. I'm going to stay right here."

Charity closed her eyes and let out a deep tired sigh, Vanessa sat on the floor next to the bed and held onto her hand.

"You try and sleep Chas, I'll keep watch for a while."

The hours ticked by, Vanessa stayed right beside the bed only letting go of Charitys hand when Charitys restlessness broke them apart. She had tossed and turned the rest of the night sweating while Vanessa cooled her with wet flannels on her forehead. She had finally drifted off to sleep as the light broke through the cracks in the curtains. The light roused Vanessa from her lull, she was almost sleeping exhausted from the intensity of the night. She decided to go and make coffee a very strong coffee. She needed to get the boys up and ready for school.

Vanessa checked her phone there was not much time, she quietly went downstairs and made a coffee for herself and Chas unsure if Charity would be able to drink one. She went back upstairs and popped her head in on the boys they were still sleeping. Johnny would be awake soon for sure.

She entered the bedroom Charity was still sleeping. Chas stirred slightly.

"Chas" Vanessa whispered "coffee"

"Oh thanks love" she replied rubbing her eyes still tired "what time is it?"

"Bout 7"

"What! Vanessa you should have woke me! Have you been awake all night?"

"She finally drifted off a few hours ago, I'm exhausted."

Vanessa eyes were dark underneath and bloodshot with lack of sleep.

"I'll get the boys up love you lie down and rest."

"Thanks Chas"

Chas left to sort the boys out Vanessa could hear Johnny and Moses asking for her and Charity. Johnny started crying so she got up and went out to them.

"Morning my lovely boys"

They both ran to Vanessa and she hugged and kissed them both.

"Auntie Chas is going to take you to school"

"Where's mummy? I want to see mummy" cried Johnny.

"Mummy Charity is sleeping, she's not feeling well so I need you both to be good boys for auntie Chas and you can see mummy later ok."

"Why is she sick?" asked Moses.

"She just is darling, she's sleeping now but will be awake when you come home later. You can go to auntie Tracey after school then when you come home she will be awake and hopefully feeling better." Vanessa kissed them both again. She got their clothes out and chas took over while Vanessa went back in to Charity, she hoped to have a nap before Charity woke.


	24. Chapter 24

Charity was lying on her side her knees curled up and her arms clutching her stomach, her eyes were open.

"Hey morning" vanessa kissed her head.

"I'm sorry babes"

"It's okay, you've done amazing Charity. How you feeling now?"

"Feel like I've done a few rounds with Tyson, the muscles under my ribs are so sore with the dry heaves. I feel sticky and clammy, tired, a bit anxious but other than that okay."

"Have a shower and I'll change the sheets again, you can't lie on those sheets they're damp."

"I haven't got the energy for a shower babes, I know I smell bad and I feel mucky."

"Come on I'll help you. Chas is sorting the boys out she's going to take them to school. Wait until they go or they'll be up here wanting to see you. I told them you were unwell and sleeping but you'll see them later. You want some coffee?" Vanessa held her mug out, Charity leant forward and took a swig.

"More?"

"No ta I feel queasy after that swig."

They heard Chas talking to the boys downstairs getting breakfast. 

"I'll ask Tracey to pick them up and take them to hers for a while after school."

"My body feels so sore Ness, I can hardly move...the pain. It hurts to breathe."

"You did do a fair bit of wretching so your muscles will be sore for a few days."

They heard the front door close as Chas took the boys to school.

"Come on then let's get you showered."

"Actually babe can you run me a bath to help ease my muscles."

Vanessa ran the bath with radox and helped Charity undress and get in. Charity winced with pain.

"I'll leave you to sit soaking, don't lie back I don't want you drifting off to sleep. I'll leave the door open while I go and change the sheets. Keep talking to me so I know you're okay. I'll be back in to wash your hair."

Vanessa went into the bedroom, she stripped the bed and turned the mattress putting fresh bedding on. All the time she kept talking to Charity who responded with short answers and grunts as she had little energy for talking.  
Vanessa returned to the bathroom and washed Charitys hair. She helped her out of the bath and went back to their bedroom drying her hair.

"Oh that feels so much better babe....thank you." Charity motioned with her lips that she wanted a kiss, Vanessa was happy to oblige.  
Vanessa showered quickly and dried her hair and climbed in bed next to Charity.

"Sleep babe you must be so tired."

"Am I okay to cuddle in or is your skin still itchy and hot."

"Come ere babe." Charity slowly pulled Vanessa close and kissed her on the head. Almost immediately Vanessa drifted into deep sleep nestled into Charitys side her head on her chest, she was exhausted. Charity lay awake unable to sleep, her body started to feel itchy and hot again. She felt so weak, as she lay there the tears overflowed and ran down the side of her face into her ears and in that moment she really didn't care if she lived or died. Shit here comes the hopelessness she thought. Her brain desperate for dopamine it crosses her mind that she has done so well she can reward herself if she wants. She quickly shut down that train of thought angry that it had come to toy with her so soon. Charity felt a scream inside she was desperate to release, it was in her head and in the depths of her. She screwed her eyes shut and clamped her lips together in a bid to swallow back the sobs, she didn't want to wake Ness, to burden Ness. Fuck fuck fuck she thought..the physical battle is hell but it doesn't come close to the psychological battle. 

Charity heard the front door closing and footsteps on the stairs. Chas quietly entered the bedroom her eyes dropped to the floor after she saw Charity and Vanessa were in bed.

"Sorry I was just checking you're okay." She whispered feeling slightly awkward intruding on an intimate scene.

"Chas can you help me...I want to get up but I can't physically get myself out of bed"

Chas walked to beside the bed and tried to gently manouver Vanessa away from Charity, she was a dead weight sleeping heavily. After a few tries Vanessa eventually rolled over onto her other side and carried on sleeping.

"Chas I can't sit up myself my muscles are so sore."

Chas helped Charity sit up, she winced with pain. Chas then swung Charitys legs round so they were on the floor and she was perched on the edge of the bed.

"I want to go downstairs, once I'm up I'll be able to walk more, I'm just so stiff and sore."

"It's all that dry heaving, you must feel like you've been battered with a baseball bat."

"Thanks for the reminder."

"What the dry heaves or the baseball bat?" said Chas dryly.

"Both" Charity laughed but grimaced.

Charity slowly made her way downstairs, Chas walked in front.

"I'm okay honestly."

"You don't look okay...honestly." Chas threw back at her.

"I'm going to have a smoke."

"I knew it was you leaving dimps by the back door of the woolie. When did you start again?"

"Oh a while ago, thats the next thing to go."

"Why don't you get a vape?"

"You know me Chas it's all or nothing. I'll quit soon."

"You want a brew?"

"I'll try...not sure if I'll keep it down."

They both went outside and sat on the bench. Charity lit up a smoke, she felt sick but she didn't heave which she took as a positive sign.

"Chas thanks for this...you know...for helping me and Vanessa."

"It's okay love...I do care you know...just saying" 

"I know. Anyway don't you have to get back to the Padster." said Charity changing the subject.

"Nope I called in after I dropped the boys off. He understands Vanessa needs me here...not you because I know you don't need anyone..he's okay he can look after Eve."

"So he knows what's going on. More for him to judge me on."

"No Charity Paddy doesn't judge you, he's concerned if you must know and he's relieved you're getting help."

"Yeah only because my shit affects Vanessa."

"No Charity he cares about you both you're family. Stop thinking the world is against you..admittedly yes people have given you a hard time over the years but it has to stop. The people who matter are the ones who love you and have your back."

"Yeah right Cain always has my back but still calls me a whore, throws my past in my face at every opportunity."

"Yeah well Cain's a big fuck up himself so take no notice of him and don't forget Charity he carries a lot of guilt himself about what happened with you."

"Chas please...don't make excuses for him." she scoffed.

They sat in silence.

After sometime Charity stood up slowly and made her way back inside. The sweats had ramped up again and she was restless and irritable. Chas sat reading a magazine while Charity alternated between flicking through tv channels and pacing up and down. She was shaking slightly and the anxiety coarsed through her. Another attack of dry heaves suddenly came upon her the pain excruciating due the the impact on her muscles the night before. There was a knock at the door and Tracey walked in..

"V it's only me...what the hell...Charity! What's going on? Where's Vanessa? I'm calling her" 

Chas was quickly at Traceys side trying to shield Charity from her sight "No Tracey, Vanessa's sleeping"

"Get out Trace" Charity shouted between heaves, she hated that she has seen her like this.

Chas walked Tracey back to the front door.

"Trace I'll explain later...please just go...Charity is fine...Vanessa is fine...we are dealing with it. I'll get Vanessa to call you later...please don't say anything to anyone."

"But things don't look fine, I want to speak to my sister."

"Tracey trust me she will call you later. Please I can't deal with this now I have to be with Charity."

Tracey left the house confused and worried she couldn't help herself she had to speak to her sister. Vanessa answered on her third call.

"V what's going on? I just called at the house Charity looks like she throwing up on her knees in the living room crying. Chas made me leave and said don't tell anyone and you were sleeping, you never sleep at this time of day! What's going on?"

Vanessa sighed "Tracey I was sleeping, I've been awake all night. I'll see you later. Everything is fine...please don't say anything about what you saw. Would you be able to pick the boys up and have them at yours until this evening? I'll explain it then...but we are okay, there's stuff going on but it's all in hand. Thanks Trace." Vanessa sighed deeply, her head ached from lack of sleep and Charity and chas were nowhere to be seen. She guessed they were still downstairs, Charity would be furious at Traceys intrusion seeing her in that state. Vanessa didn't know if she could cope with another night of this.  
She pulled on her jeans and jumper and wandered downstairs, Charity was sat on the edge of the sofa, Chas was reading her magazine. 

Chas looked up "you want a brew love?"

"Please...Traceys been on the phone."

Charity stood up and went outside without speaking.

"You'll have to tell her love. Charity is furious but she's just embarrassed. You know she doesn't like people seeing her vulnerable but she'll get over it."

Vanessa sighed "I don't know if I can do this Chas."  
She broke down in tears.

"You're exhausted love, I'll stay up with her tonight you sleep."

"No it's not fair on you Chas, you've done so much already."

"Listen love she's family, you're family, I told you I've been through this many times with me dad. It's not nice but it's got to be done she can't do it alone and neither can you."

They heard the back door opening, Vanessa dried her cheeks and sat down on the sofa. The atmosphere was tense.

"Charity I'm going to have to tell Tracey. I've asked her to pick the boys up and have them until this evening. I've asked her not to say anything."

"Huh fat chance of Tracey keeping her gob shut."

"Charity what do you expect me to do? She's my sister she's worried and I can't tell her to stay away from the house." Vanessa's stress gave way to anger "You're not the only one going through hell Charity. I'm trying to help you, I'm exhausted and I have to keep it from people who can give me support."

"You don't have to stay here Vanessa, I got myself into this mess and I will get myself out of it. Go and stay with your sister if that's what you want." Charity stormed up the stairs as quickly as she could which was not very quick at all.

Chas sighed.

Vanessa cried.

" I warned you yesterday she would turn on you but I also told you not to take it personal she's going through hell."

"So am I Chas but I don't matter do I."

"You do love, she couldn't do this without you and she knows it, she's embarrassed about Tracey. You've read up on alcohol withdrawal the mood swings, irratability, anxiety and that's not mentioning the physical symptoms. If you need to tell Tracey then tell her, put her mind at ease and yeah let her support you because one thing I do know is that dealing with an addict is really hard all the attention is on them, everything centres around them. That's why they have support for families, family groups and alnon meetings.  
Go and see Tracey I'll sort her out (raising her eyes to the ceiling). Just give it a few more days and things will improve you'll see."

"Thanks Chas"


	25. Chapter 25

Vanessa entered Tug Ghyll, Tracey was in the kitchen, she spun around surprised to see Vanessa.

"V what the hell is going on?"

"Trace don't start I'm tired I've hardly slept" Vanessa's bottom lip quivered.

"Sit down V I'll make us a brew"

Vanessa sat down her shoulders sagging with the weight of her problems, Charitys problems, their problems...

Tracey came to join her on the small sofa and handed her a brew. Vanessa was curled up on the sofa, she put her hand on Vanessas leg and gave her a comforting rub.

"Trace I don't want you to go off on one. I need your support."  
Vanessa sighed....

"Charity is detoxing she's going through withdrawals"

"From what?" Traceys mouth hung open.

"Alcohol"

"You what?" Tracey was in disbelief.

"I should have seen it Trace, she's always had a tendency to self medicate. I always knew she drank more than is advisable but I thought she could handle it. While I was away at my mums it got out of control and she's hid it well from everyone. I don't want to go in to detail how I found out and how much but she's dependent and she has to stop. We've been to get help professionally and Charity has agreed to it all, she was reducing gradually but yesterday she had news about her health, her drinking has affected her liver and she decided to go cold turkey. Chas stayed with us last night, she's been amazing. I'm hoping last night was the worst but they say 24-72 hours to peak. She's going through hell, I'm going through hell and I just need your support and your discretion."

"Come here V" Tracey pulled Vanessa to herself and Vanessa broke down her body shaking with her sobbing. Tracey just held her until the sobbing stopped and was replaced by little sniffles.

"Right okay you upstairs, go and get some sleep. Don't worry about the boys they can stay here with me tonight.  
Oh my god...Johnny..the vodka saying mummys..."

Vanessa nodded.

"Why didn't you say V?"

"I couldn't betray her confidence we were dealing with it"

"So how much did Johnny and Moses see? Who was looking after them while she was pissed up?"

"Trace stop...no judging, I'm not innocent in this my family needed me and I stayed away."

"You were fighting cancer V and she was drinking herself stupid..but I never saw her pissed"

"High tolerence, maintaining through the day then hammering it of a night. Noah looked after the boys and shielded them."

"He always took them to school, I just thought he was being a helpful brother..poor Noah."

"He was amazing Trace and don't say nothing to him, he just wanted to protect his mum"

"Go on you go and get some sleep. I'll call Chas and let her know you're here and not to worry about the boys."

"Thanks Trace"

Vanessa climbed the stairs and into the spare bed for some much needed sleep.

Over in Jacobs Fold Charitys mood hadn't improved. Charity and Chas were having a row...

"Charity she's her sister for goodness sake she's allowed to visit"

"You left the door open...I don't want anyone seeing me like that, she knows now and you know Tracey can't keep her gob shut"

"She's Vanessa's sister! Don't be so selfish Vanessa needs support too and Tracey can be there for her."

"Oh next thing you know she'll be telling Rhona and they'll all be clacking about me being no good for her and how she can do better"

"Charity will you shut up! This is not just about you this affects Vanessa and you know what that woman has stuck by you through thick and thin don't expect her to take all the shit and hide it from people who love her. She needs the support of family and friends, you expect too much from her and it will eventually break her. She recovering from chemo and that stays with you for a long time the effects and yet she gives and gives and what do you do? Cut off her support well it's not on Charity she deserves more."

Charity was finally silenced by Chas' words. She got into bed and lay there crying Chas' words ringing her ears.  
Chas climbed on the bed next to her with her back against the headboard and her arm around Charity laying beside her, Chas pulled her closer and sat in silence.

Charity cried herself to sleep.

It was late afternoon when Vanessa woke, the house was silent. She went downstairs the house was still, she checked the time 15:23. She was shocked she had slept so long and immediately went into panic and guilt at leaving Charity and Chas for so long.  
She called Tracey to see where she was and was relieved to hear that she had taken the boys to the park to tire them out. She informed Tracey she was going back to Jacobs Fold and thanked her for her support.

Vanessa rushed back home, as she entered Jacobs Fold she saw Chas on the sofa watching tv, there was no sign of Charity.

"Sorry Chas I didn't mean to be so long I slept at Traceys, I'm really sorry."

"Ay ay stop now love...it's no problem. You needed rest I said I'd stay. I'm here for you both, Vanessa don't feel you need to apologise for getting some rest, you were up all night."

"How has she been?"

"Well we had a row, I told her a few home truths and she cried herself to sleep and hasn't woken since. I've been going up every 30 mins to check on her and I've brought Eve's monitors over so I can hear her."

"Genius"

"You feeling better love?"

Vanessa nodded. The sound of Charitys phone ringing distracted them, her phone was on the table so Vanessa checked the screen and saw it was the recovery centre. She answered not wanting Charity to miss out on a call from them.

"Charity it's Nikki how are doing?"

"Erm it's Vanessa, Charity is sleeping"

"Ah Vanessa how are you?"

"Yeah fine" she said hesitantly.

"I was just calling to let Charity know that I've been assigned as her counselor. She did sign the consent form allowing me to share information with you. Would you mind letting her know and I'd like to arrange an appointment."

"Nikki...she's..she's gone cold turkey..it's coming up near 24 hours."

"Vanessa how is she? What symptoms is she having?" Nikki sounded concerned.

"She's okay at the moment. She's had sweats, anxiety, palpitations, dry heaves, nightmares although I'm not sure she was actually sleeping at the time, she is aching all over. It hurts her to breathe because of the wretching her muscles have taken a battering."

"Oh Vanessa....I just want to come and be with you both but I can't do that. I know what you're going through. It can be dangerous Vanessa"

"I know..her cousin is with us and she's experienced so I feel confident when she's here. She doesn't take any messing from Charity neither" Vannessa laughed.

"Good I got the impression she could be quite a handful. I'd like to see her before the weekend so...let me see....she started Monday ...by Friday she'll have 4 nights withdrawing. Yes Friday I'll book her in, she'll be over the physical but the psycological battle starts and I'd like to check in with her."

"I'm glad you're working with her, she likes you which is a huge hurdle overcome already"

Nikki responded laughing then became serious "Vanessa how are you?"

Vanessa was silent while she composed herself then she spoke "please don't ask because I'll cry and I haven't got the energy to cry anymore..."

"Vanessa would you like me to book you in with our family counselor. You need support too and I think it would do you good. Let me check the diary... just stay on the line a moment...hmmm yeah if you could both come in at 14:30 on Friday I'll see Charity and I've booked you in with Fiona our family counselor for the same time. Friday is usually her paperwork day but she agreed to see you so thats great"

"Thank you" Vanessa half whispered her voice wobbling.

"No worries call me anytime. I'll text you my work mobile, it won't be on out of hours but I'll get back to you as soon as I can if you need to message. Tell Charity I'm rooting for her, she's done 24 hours she can do tonight. Bye Vanessa."

"Bye"

Vanessa turned to Chas "that was Nikki from the recovery centre she's booked Charity in for Friday. She'll be her counsellor and she's booked me in to see their family counsellor."

"Vanessa that's great"

"Yeah...do you think we should wake Charity, she won't sleep tonight if she sleeps all day"

"Probably best plus she hasn't eaten anything yet."

Vanessa went upstairs Charity was lying on her side hugging Vanessa's pillow.

"Hey" said Vanessa quietly.

Charity smiled briefly and looked away, she looked despondent and fragile.

" Nikki just called she wants to see you on Friday afternoon 2:30. She's also booked me in to see their family counsellor."

Charity nodded.

"I spoke to Tracey, I had to Charity she's my sister and she's concerned. She has offered to have the boys tonight sleep over, she's took them to the park. I asked her to keep it to herself and she will. She's not judging you Charity and she was very supportive."

"It's okay. I was embarrassed when Tracey saw me and just so aware what people say that I'm not good enough for you, that you can do better. This will be the icing on the cake for them."

" Charity I don't care what people think and neither should you. They don't know our relationship, they don't see what you bring to my life because you don't show them. I don't mean this, the problems....I'm talking about the love you give me, the love we share, how being with you makes me a better person because I know what it is to love and be loved deeply. "

"I'm sorry babes...seem to be saying that a lot lately. I know you need your family and friends for support and it's not right for me to say you can't tell them. I'll just have to deal with the shame...I've had plenty of experience" Charity laughed nervously."

Vanessa moved toward the bed and lay down next to Charity.

"I love you Charity Dingle and we are going to beat this together with support from our family and friends and Nikki and Fiona"

"Who's Fiona?"

"The family counsellor" quipped Vanessa smiling.

Charity looked at her smiling and felt a surge of hope swell in her. She pulled Vanessa closer and kissed her. Vanessa settled laying her head on Charitys chest.

"You might want to shower again and brush your teeth babe" said Vanessa.

"For better or for worse babes that includes body odour and bad breath" Charity laughed.

Downstairs Chas chuckled as she turned off the baby monitor.

The night passed without too much disturbance. Charity didn't sleep but her symptoms were managable, Chas sat up with her while Vanessa slept. The dry heaves were less frequent, so were the shakes. There was agitation and sweats but she coped and even managed to watch a few movies with Chas on netlix.

Chas went home the next day as Charity was over the worst, she needed to be with her own family but promised to call later to see how things were.

Tracey came round after school with the boys. Charity was looking more human and had washed and dressed. The boys were excited to see her and Vanessa as they both babbled on about their sleepover with auntie Trace.

"Hi Charity how you feeling" Tracey asked.

"Oh I've been better but I've definatley been worse so I guess I'm just okay" Charity laughed.

"Listen I know you were angry the other day and I'm sorry I just barged in. I was so worried when I saw you and I want to help so just let me"

"Thanks Trace....sorry I shouted at you..I wasn't in a good place at that moment"

"Well I could see that! I'll have the boys again tonight and let you two have some space"

"Thanks Trace we've got an appointment on Friday, I'm seeing my counselor and Vanessa's seeing hers at the recovery centre"

"I'm glad that you're both getting help, after all that you've been through your love just seems stronger...sometimes I'm jealous of what you have" Tracey looked down at the floor.

Vanessa's expression was one of confusion and concern.

"Jealous?" said Charity "Trace you don't want to be jealous of the shit we've been through"

"I know...I just mean..everything that's thrown at you it just makes you both stronger. Its like I couldn't imagine  
one of you without the other...you are made for each other..well I must get back, come on you little monsters lets get back for food, bath and bed"

"I want to stay with my mummys" whined Moses.

"Yeah sleep here with mummys" chimed Johnny.

"Not tonight boys auntie Trace has a surprise and mummy Charity needs to rest"

"Er surprise?"

"You'll think of something Trace" Vanessa whispered.

"Tomorrow we'll go to the park together with a picnic after school okay" said Charity.

"You sure?" Vanessa looked at her.

"Yeah I'll be fine".

Once Tracey had left with Moses and Johnny the house was quiet.

"Come 'ere" Charity beckoned to Vanessa.

Vanessa walked over and sat down next to her on the sofa.

"Ness I love you so much"

"And I love you too Charity, my life is better because you're in it and I never want to lose that, I never want to lose you"

"No chance babe, it's me and you against the world."

"Do you think you'll be able to eat something?"

"I need to try...order a pizza oh and a bottle of coke"

"I guess I should bin the wine glasses"

Charity laughed and winced in pain.

After food which was mostly consumed by Vanessa she ran a bath for Charity.

"I'd love you to join me babe but I'm still too sore"

"Soon my love...I'll change the bedding again. Think it's about time we treated ourselves to a new mattress all the toxins you sweated into it"

"Now there's a thought we can have a look online when we get into bed....something to look forward to when it arrives and I'm back to full strength! Oh and believe me babe you'll be sweating plenty into it" Charity crooned wiggling her eyebrows.

Friday arrived Charity was still slightly sore but she had managed to endure and enjoy their promised picnic the day before. They took the boys to school and stopped by the cafe for a latte.

"So therapy this afternoon babe" Charity laughed.

"What's so funny? "

"Who'd have thought it...me and you in therapy"

"I just hope they can cope at the centre once we both get started off loading" Vanessa bit her bottom lip and smiled.

"I think it will be good, I'm glad it's Nikki I'm with, not sure if I'd go if I was having to go meet some stranger...Nikki gets it so I guess I'll be in good hands."

They sat chatting knees touching like they were the only two in the cafe. After some looks from Brenda they decided it was time to vacate the comfy sofa and stroll home, Charity took Vanessas hand as they left the cafe and didn't let go until they reached Jacobs Fold.

As they entered Jacobs Fold and removed their coats Charity took Vanessa's hand once again. 

"Today is the start of something new Ness, the past stays where it belongs and it's our present and our future we look forward to. I love you so much and I'll never tire of telling you. You're something truly special and I know I've asked you this before and it didn't happen but now with no frills, fireworks or horse and carriage I'm asking you will you marry me?"

Vanessa laughed "of course I'll marry you! I'd marry you a million times Charity Dingle"

"Hmm just once is enough babe because it will be for life"

As Vanessa looked into her eyes she saw the desire, the hunger and the want. Vanessa will never tire of that look, of being desired, of being wanted and loved. No matter what life throws at them she thought she wouldn't trade this for the world. Memories brought words spoken 'I'd rather have a flawed you than no you' and it that moment that statement couldn't have rang truer as Charity led her up the stairs and into the bedroom closing the door behind them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to all those who have left kudos or comments your feedback means so much and kept me going!
> 
> I hope you have all enjoyed reading and if so just let me know....  
> I have another fic brewing, it will be a continuation meaning all that has happened in this fic will stay but it will be a completely different story with references to this fic.  
> Not sure if it will go on the front or backburner that's entirely up to you and the level of interest.
> 
> Bye for now!


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